Claymore outtakes
by Dany le fou
Summary: Crack fic. Mainly random shots based on manga happenings or whatever idea going through my mind. Warnings : OOC, insanity and fourth wall breaking.
1. That shameful shot

Disclaimer : I don't own Claymore

---

"Go away! I'm not coming out!" a rather immature voice shouted stubbornly inside the room, much to the irritation of the group assembled in front.

"Damn it Clare!" Deneve snapped exasperatedly. "Stop being a child and open the door."

"I don't wanna!"

"Can't we just break the door?" Helen suggested.

"Captain ordered us not to." Tabitha reminded.

"Come on! She won't know." the brash warrior begged, already coiling her arm in order to drill through.

Her attempt was interrupted by Miria tackling her. "HELEN! DON'T YOU DARE!"

"Aww, why?" Helen's voice was remarkably similar to Clare's at the moment.

"Because you'd ruin this fic! And I don't want the author mad at me!" Miria screamed while darting nervous looks around.

If this fic was ruined, the next one would most likely be another Miria-torture.

The mere idea made her shudder.

"Could you remind me how exactly this happened?" Yuma asked.

Helen snorted. "Well, while you were having your moment of glory saving Pigtails, we ran into the Awakened that Clare is so dead set on killing…"

"She got her ass handed to her." Deneve finished.

"_This_ has nothing to do with _that_." Clare defended from the other side of the door.

"Right… you're not mad about the butt-kicking you received?" Helen challenged.

"NO!"

"The failed Awakening?"

"NO!"

"Getting your face shoved into the ground?"

"It has happened before."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Ophelia, Irene and Galatea." Helen counted on her fingers, ignoring the sound of Clare gritting her teeth. "But they had the decency to use their hands. Priscilla _stomped_ on your head."

"I'd rather be stepped on than this." Clare growled.

"Clare… You know I am not the most outspoken person here but I need to ask… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Yuma yelled, the quiet Claymore apparently fed up with this ridiculous situation. Helen looked at her, rather impressed at the volume.

"…" Clare mumbled incoherently.

"What did you say?" Yuma asked, tapping her foot with her arms crossed on her chest.

'Wow… scary…' Helen thought.

'Miria's got competition.' Deneve couldn't help but smirk.

'I think I'm in love… not wait, I love Captain…' Tabitha mentally scolded herself. 'Maybe I could get them both…'

"Chapter 100. Page 8. Top frame." Clare repeated, getting herself a collective "huh?"

"The one where you're charging Priscilla?" Miria asked.

"Yeah." the heroine of the show confirmed.

Cynthia, who had been silent till now, was obviously confused. "What wrong with it?"

"Can't you see?" Clare shouted indignantly.

"NO I CAN'T!" Cynthia shouted back.

"I GOT A PANTY SHOT!!!"

Looking at the issue, the assembled warriors could indeed see Clare's skirt flapping as she ran, exposing her underwear (or what passes as underwear on their uniforms).

"OH COME ON!" Helen screamed in exasperation. "You can't be mad at this! Do you think this is the only fanservice in this series?"

"…"

"Helen's right." the voice of reason AKA Miria offered. "You had a couple bath scenes and the whole 'naked in inner world' thing, not to mention that nice shot when you emerged from it."

"Yeah, and your breasts did look bigger after that." Tabitha added.

This got her a strange look from everyone. Tabitha blushed. "It… it did look like it." she stuttered.

"Funny you'd notice that!" Clare snapped. "Anyway, these scenes were plot-driven."

"Fine! You want to play that game Forty Seven? You think you're only fanservice girl here?" Helen challenged. "Let's recap. Ophelia spent her last moments topless…"

"Ophelia had the lower body of a huge snake and was a complete psycho." Clare shot back.

"That shoots Agatha and the Abyssal Eaters too I guess. Fine. Still Clarice flashed her butt in a freaking _church_… Jean spent an entire fight with only an open cloak on her shoulders… Deneve can't finish a fight with her clothes intact…"

Deneve had an uncharacteristic scowl on her face. " Not to mention it keeps getting worse… soon I'll be fighting naked."

"That's what you get for being a regenerative type." Clare snorted.

"Please Clare. Cynthia and Yuma are defensive warriors too, and the worst they get is a missing sleeve. Heck, even Galatea had it better against Agatha and I'm sure readers would have enjoyed it more if _she_ had ended as I usually do."

At this moment they could have sworn they heard mournful cries of cheated fans all over the world.

"Where did you find a new top anyway?" Cynthia asked.

"Dunno… plot hole I guess. Still, why is it always me anyway?"

"… Riful actually stripped and conveniently waited to put them back on…"

"Lolicon rejoice." Miria mumbled.

"… Isley mooned us…" Helen shuddered at the memory, which was echoed by Deneve.

"Huh?" Yuma asked confused at their reaction.

"… in his awakened form." Helen finished.

"Mooned by a thirty feet tall horse's ass… the horror…" the stoic warrior looked like she wanted to cry.

"At least I was lacking depth perception at the time."

"Lucky you." Deneve mumbled.

"All right… next example?" Miria asked as she wanted to get the image out of her head.

"Priscilla is about to engage in a literal catfight _naked_. And before that she pranced around in the buff too."

"The amount of fanservice has skyrocketed lately." Miria sighed.

"Don't worry big sis, your time will come." Helen cackled ominously much to her leader's embarrassment and Tabitha's anticipation.

"Actually, Miria did have a panty shot too." Cynthia piped in.

One would forever wonder which was louder : Miria's indignant scream or Tabitha's squeal.

"Just after your duel with Clare in the north; you know, the shot where we're all together." the pigtailed warrior reminded.

"I THOUGHT NO ONE NOTICED THAT!!" Miria yelled before looking up. "YOU HAD TO BRING THAT UP RIGHT? COULDN'T YOU SPARE ME JUST THIS ONCE?"

As if on cue…

**--- Author note : Miria's panty shot was graciously reminded to me by my wonderful beta Shiek927. Thank you man! PS : sorry Miria, I swear I was going to let you off the hook. ---**

"What was that?"

"Someone is really having fun with the fourth wall." Deneve commented.

Miria muttered a few choice words about insane fanfiction authors and detail-obsessed beta readers before continuing. "Anyway Clare, we still don't see the problem. Showing your underwear isn't such a big deal after all that."

"Big words considering how upset she just got." Helen whispered to Yuma.

"NOT A BIG DEAL? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?" Clare roared from behind the door. "Panty shots are usually done in light-hearted series! Is Claymore a light-hearted series?"

"Uh… no?" a still puzzled Miria answered.

"Precisely! We are supposed to be tragic characters tossed in hopeless battles against ancient conspiracies and overwhelming odds! And tragic characters DO NOT FLASH THEIR PANTIES!!!"

"Aren't you overreacting a little?" Yuma asked dubiously.

"You know, she may have a point." Cynthia pondered.

"And why me anyway? I am supposed to have had it the worst! My purpose is to take revenge against Priscilla! I have to hate her, loathe her, live in a unsightly…" Clare ranted as the light began to dim as if to enhance the atmosphere.

"There she goes again…" Helen groaned.

"Clare, the author is going to be really upset if you go into emo avenger mode… and making him upset is not a good idea." Miria warned. She had to stop Clare before she went on about killing her best friend to unlock some fancy power.

"… That bad?" Clare asked in a small voice.

"We are talking about the guy who had you screw up the entire land with sex yoki, made me go through tickle torture, turned us into sex-crazed lunatics, got me drunk and puts Rubel in bed with Rachel simply because he doesn't like him." Miria commented somberly. "So yes, I'd say it's bad."

"Speaking of which, Rubel ran past us as he was chased by Rachel. She was wearing a BDSM dominatrix outfit and the shark attack theme of 'Jaws' was playing." Cynthia added.

"Fast or slow?" Helen asked.

"Fast."

"He's fucked then." Helen concluded, which got a nod from Deneve.

"… Okay." Clare concluded pitifully as the lights returned to normal.

"Now back to our topic."

"Right. My point is that there is a difference between plot-driven nudity and a gratuitous panty shot. The latter is plain ecchiness and comedic relief that does NOT fit with the overall theme of the show. This is just the beginning I tell you! Mark my words : soon Claymore will be one of those comedic shonen harem manga. And I won't stand for it!"

By now they could picture standing with her arms crossed and a pout on her face.

"Comedic shonen harem manga?" Yuma repeated.

"Yes!"

"The ones where several girls compete for a single man?" Cynthia asked.

"YES! Well, there is also the occasional lesbian in the mix." Clare added as an afterthought.

Tabitha sneezed.

"We don't have that many male leads." Helen stated pensively.

"There are the Organization's men…" Cynthia counted.

"Are you nuts or just plain desperate?" Deneve deadpanned

"Isley and Rigaldo…"

"Dead and digested in one case. Resting in pieces in the other." Miria stated

"Duff…"

"That moron doesn't know the difference between a man and a woman for crying out loud!" Helen shouted.

"Those two guys we met in Rabona…"

"Support characters. They don't count." Yuma reminded.

"Who does that leave then?"

In the ensuing silence Clare suddenly had a bad feeling.

"Clare's boy toy!" Helen snapped her fingers with a bright grin.

"Wasn't he taken by the Organization?" Tabitha asked.

"Oh yeah." Helen sighed dejectedly.

"With the newer generation of warriors?"

"Huh huh."

"How many? About forty right?" Miria asked for confirmation.

"Not counting the trainees." Deneve added.

As the gears in their heads turned furiously, Helen bolted for the exit.

"Helen! Where are you going?" Miria shouted.

"To the Org! If this turns into a harem, no way I'm getting stuck with the leftovers!" the running warrior yelled back.

Six pairs of eyes - Clare included – blinked; the realization settled in that they wouldn't be able to secure their nookie if they stayed here.

Then the stampede began.

Surprisingly or not, and for all her speeches about revenge, Clare was the most motivated.


	2. Fan pairings

Disclaimer : as said in the previous chapter, I don't own Claymore.

"Well, we won." Helen sighed tiredly as she slumped on the floor.

"Remind me why we did this again?" Deneve panted before snorting in disgust at the amount of damage her clothing had once again sustained. True to her habit and heightening stakes, her outfit now barely counted as a bikini held together by a couple of frayed strings.

"Don't glare at me, you jinxed yourself last chapter." Helen shot back.

"And the author was nice enough to let you keep _some_ modesty." Miria added somewhat accusingly as she remembered that she usually got little mercy from said author.

Then there was the sound of an error being corrected and fairness being restored.

RRIIIIPPPPP…

"Scratch that. He's evil." Miria deadpanned.

"_Thank you_ Miria." the now naked warrior scowled at her leader.

The Ghosts could have sworn they heard someone whistle innocently.

If you think this was the outcome of the climactic assault to bring the doom of the Organization, then you would be gravely mistaken. Remember what you are reading. No, this was the outcome of the previous chapter of this insanity-born fanfic where our heroines decided they didn't want, in Helen's words, to be stuck with leftovers as far as pairings go.

Hence the essential requirement to rescue the most prominent member of the male cast who had been taken by the Organization.

It had been no contest as this was the famed Ghosts of Pieta versus a bunch of no-name characters. Face it, in the current generation of Claymores, only six are known by name; one of which is underage, another has yet to be confirmed as alive, and the last one is in a gag pairing.

"Right! What he said." Helen stated to her old friend.

"But damn they fought hard." Cynthia wheezed.

"Hey, if you had the only f*BEEP*able guy in the cast, you wouldn't be willing to relinquish him either. Not that it mattered in the end."

"We were seven women…" Yuma reminded.

"… Against an entire Organization." Tabitha finished solemnly.

"Still Miria what came upon you?" Cynthia asked.

When Miria gave her a puzzled look, the pigtailed warrior took a deep breath. **"GHOSTS! TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN HELL!" **she bellowed.

Miria looked mortified. "I don't know… BUT I HAVE A GOOD IDEA!" the leader shouted at the sky.

"At least it was a different quote this time." Deneve muttered.

"Enough of that!" Helen announced. "Where's the hunk?" she shot to her feet looking for their prize.

"Currently having his tonsils removed by Clare's tongue. Apparently she decided to reassert her claim on him." Miria informed.

"What?"

"Well, they _are_ a canon pairing after all." Cynthia mused.

Helen rolled her eyes. "Right… face it Cynthia, the only proven couple in this series is Riful and Duff. The credibility of Raki and Clare getting together has taken a nosedive in chapter 100. Same with him and Priscilla for that matter."

"Wasn't Priscilla supposed to be with Isley?" Tabitha asked.

"All we had on that were Riful's words. Besides, this is not canon! We are currently in a fanfic and any pairing is possible. You'd be surprised at what fans can come up with." Helen crossed her arms.

"What do you mean?" Yuma asked.

"Take the kid for example since he is the male lead. Aside from Clare and Priscilla, he has been paired up with me," she boasted, "Miria, Clarice, Cynthia, Alicia and even Luciella! Sure some of them are more friendships than romance but still…"

"Me?" Cynthia asked incredulously.

"Don't get your hopes high Pigtails, there has been a recent surge of Cynthia/Yuma shippers after she saved your life."

This caused both aforementioned women to blush.

"Wait, they do female pairings too?" Tabitha asked with a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Duh! Clare/Miria, Clare/Jean, Clare/_Ophelia_…"

"Scary." Miria shivered.

"Which one? You and Clare, or the one with Ophelia?"

"Both."

"Get used to it Sis." Helen grinned at her. "You do know that you are among the most popular characters right? This causes imaginations to go wild."

Seeing Miria blanch, Helen just couldn't stop herself.

"For instance, the most popular guy to pair you with isn't Raki but Rigaldo."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Miria then looked up. "THIS IS YOUR DOING ISN'T IT?"

"Well, face it Miria, you were both the leaders of the opposing forces in the North and you have a similar fighting style. Sparks did fly in that battle."

"That was my sword on his claws!" the Phantom warrior protested.

"You mentioned female pairings," Tabitha asked shyly, "so who does Captain get paired with?"

"Galatea."

This revelation was followed by a round of stunned exclamations. Even Miria was too shocked to be offended.

"Where the hell did that one come from?"

Deneve shrugged. "Well, it's true you two don't have much contact aside from you freeing Galatea from Agatha's spikes in the manga, or running into each other at the end of the anime. In that regard, Clare/Galatea would be more logical."

"Unless there are things you're not telling us." Helen's snicker was suddenly cut as she found herself dressed as a bunny girl : high heels, black fishnet stockings, the classic skintight cleavage-baring leotard, cuffs and bowtie, and of course the infamous bunny headband. The outfit had appeared out of nowhere, seamlessly replacing her normal clothes without any warning, flash or light or anything. Hence Helen's reaction : "WHAT THE HELL?"

Everyone looked down to check at their clothes (or lack there of in Deneve's case) and sighed in relief when they saw them unchanged by the crazy author's whim.

"There's a note between your breasts." Cynthia said to the fuming warrior.

Grumbling, Helen took the piece of paper tucked in her cleavage (cue to camera) and began reading. _"Author's note : I didn't know whether to disguise myself as an inconspicuous janitor to deliver the note or send it via plot bunny and you just had to give me this opportunity."_

Everyone groaned as they got the lame joke. Miria and Deneve wished he had gone with the first idea since they had things to… _discuss_… with the author.

_"That and my most recent idea to embarrass the characters included costumes. Beware, the French maid is next." _Helen continued much to her friends' horror.

"I'd rather stay naked." Deneve muttered.

_"That can be arranged. Anyway, I am as baffled as you all are about the Miria/Galatea ship. My only explanation is that two hot women together is something of a male fantasy especially if they can imagine themselves in the mix. Not to mention that some of you have fairly ambiguous friendships. And before you decide to rip my head off, please note that this fic is about fan pairings regardless of my personal preference. Why do you think there was no mention of Raki/Renee? PS : Helen, you're keeping the suit till the end of the chapter. Think of it as me making it up to Miria."_ Helen finished with a groan.

"Well, that's more original than the author note popping from nowhere." Yuma commented.

"So basically Galatea and I are put together because fans think we're hot and they're perverts?" Miria didn't know if she should feel flattered or disgusted.

"Well, according to ratings, only Teresa ranks higher than Galatea in sheer looks. Though there's a note about their personalities needing some improvement." Cynthia informed.

"You're lucky Clare isn't here." Helen snorted. "It would take more than a bunny suit to prevent her from killing you."

"And Captain is beautiful, smart, charismatic, strong…" Tabitha gushed before slumping. 'Why not me damn it.' she thought gloomily.

"Taby, there's an extra note for you. It says : 'Grow a personality.'"

At this point the braided warrior had to be restrained before she hung herself. "Calm down Tabitha! There are a couple of fics where you are with Miria after all!"

"There are?" Tabitha suddenly stopped struggling and looked like life made sense again.

"YES!!" everybody shouted.

"Excuse me, what does the author mean by 'ambiguous friendships'?" Yuma asked.

"Well, take Taby for instance. She's always sticking to Miria so it's no wonder readers think she's a lesbian." Helen joked.

At Miria's suspicious glance, Tabitha felt the need to defend herself lest her idol distanced herself from her. "Excuse me? Like you and Deneve are better! In fact, you are never seen apart!"

The braided warrior felt a strange satisfaction at the pair's indignant sputters.

"Well considering we Claymore have lonely lives, it would be easy to imagine what friendships we share evolving into something more. While you two are the most prominent example," Cynthia explained, ignoring the venomous looks she got, "there have been some speculations about Teresa and Irene too. There is also Clare/Elena with the 'holding each other at night', or Rachel/Audrey. Hey don't look at me like that, fans just want us to have a little happiness."

"And satisfy their fantasies while they're at it." Miria grumbled. "Well, WE! ARE! NOT! GAY! Damn I did it again right?" she palmed her face with a groan.

Cue to collective nod and author's snicker.

"Well, I have a question : there are plenty of yuri pairings in this section, but where is the yaoi? You know, guy-guy pairings?" Helen asked.

Even through the Fourth Wall they could hear retching sounds.

Hey, I'm gagging even as I'm typing this.

Helen blushed at the strange looks she got. "Well, look at the Naruto, Bleach or Gundam sections… I heard that female authors think yaoi is hot."

"There might have been an Isley/Rigaldo somewhere…" Deneve pondered. "Our male cast may be limited still it should be possible to…"

**THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENTION OF YAOI IN THIS FIC!!! FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN ALL OF YOU IN A TENTACLE LEMON WITH RIFUL'S AWAKENED FORM!! AM I CLEAR?**

Everyone went white as a sheet. "He wouldn't dare…" Miria whimpered.

**TRY ME!!**

"I don't know… it might be worth iEEEEKKK!!!" Helen's statement was cut by several swords at various vital points of her body.

"Finished this sentence and die." Miria hissed, her eyes turning gold for enhanced effect.

On a side note, the author absolutely hates to threaten characters but drastic times call for drastic measures.

Yaoi is evil. Plain and simple.

Cynthia coughed. "Anyway, there are not many alternatives : either we share a guy, fall for an original character who is more often than not an expy of the author, or end up in a crack pairing."

"Meaning a highly unusual couple that is done either to be completely original, or because the author is nuts." Helen developed. "Though in the first case it takes real skill and plenty of character development to pull off. Miria/Sid is one of former."

"And the latter?"

Before anyone could answer Yuma's question, they saw Rubel being dragged by a skipping Rachel.

After a moment of silence, Miria asked "So… when do you think Clare will be done with Raki?"


	3. The plot that shouldn't be, part 1

Disclaimer : you already know it : I don't own Claymore

"Don't let it escape!"

If the sudden shout had not startled Yuma, the small impact she felt as something rebounded on her head would have. This was followed by something much heavier colliding with her at full speed, sending her to the floor in a position Tabitha would have killed to be in : on her back and a heavily breathing Miria on top of her.

Though the massive blade that impaled the ground right next to her head would probably have ruined even Tabitha's mood.

"Hurry up it's getting away!" a frantic Clare shouted, urging her fallen friend to move as she ran past them.

"Sorry Yuma." Miria apologized as she got up and resumed the chase after picking up her sword.

The rest of the Ghosts were trying to make sense of what they had just seen when an out of breath Rubel managed to catch up.

"Where did it go?" he panted.

Before anyone could answer, something ran between his legs and Miria's voice was heard again. "Rubel! Catch it!"

"No! Kill it!" Clare yelled behind her.

Her attempt at using her Windcutter to put her words in action almost cost Deneve yet another set of clothes. Though it was a good thing she kept her hair short; had it been like Galatea's pride and joy, she would have screamed bloody murder.

Author's personal memo : imagine a plot where Galatea somehow gets a haircut.

First addendum : find the guts to implement it.

Second addendum : find a good place to hide - from Galatea _and_ her fans.

"Sure… you have the balls to get me naked and make fun of Miria but you won't dare touch Galatea… Hypocrite." Deneve muttered.

Guilty as charged.

Back to the action, the trio could still be seen chasing a small brown blur running around the place. The rest of the group, meaning the five other Ghosts, Raki and surprisingly Clarice, were giving them a wide berth considering Clare and Miria were swinging their swords in an attempt to skewer their prey.

"Damn! Whatever it is, it sure is fast." Helen accurately noted, seeing that the blur was keeping ahead of even Miria.

"What is it anyway?" Clarice wondered.

"Hey, what are you doing here Color-head?" Helen asked.

Clarice shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll finally have a role in this thing."

"Or you'll have a very embarrassing moment." the former Twenty Two snickered.

Clarice crouched down to try and get a better look, which almost proved a fatal mistake as she was nearly stampeded by the group. As it was, she was saved just in time by Raki who hastily pulled her back; the end result of this was the brown-haired warrior being pressed against a broad, muscular male chest. She blushed profusely.

"T-Thank you."

The young man grinned, obviously not realizing the effect his proximity had on her. "You're welcome."

The effect however wasn't lost on Helen who leered at them. "Ah! Looks like I was right Color-head! Hey kid! You got a thing for Forty-Sevens or something?"

Cue to the sound of screeching tires. 'Raki-Sense... tingling,' Clare thought, which caused her to stop dead in her tracks and change her target to whoever was encroaching on _her_ territory. Clarice paled and ran away, the former Forty-Seven hot on her tail.

"Now that you've had your fun, can we get back on topic?" Deneve asked.

Hehe… sorry, just a small treat for my beta…

While the Raki/Clarice fans were being satisfied, Miria still hadn't relented her chase.

"Tabitha, my loyal follower…" the Phantom warrior announced as she stalked toward her braided friend, sword ready for a swing and a slightly disturbing glint in her eyes, "… do… not…move."

"Captain?" Unfortunately for her, the thing had settled down on her head.

"Do… not… move." Miria repeated.

**SWISH!**

"EEEKKKKK!"

"Meow!"

"TABITHA! YOU MOVED!" Miria screamed indignantly, conveniently ignoring that she almost beheaded her subordinate if the slash mark in the wall was any indication. Tabitha could not answer as she was slumped down on the floor unconscious, a small amount of foam coming from her mouth and with comical anime-style swirly eyes.

In the meantime, the thing had stopped in the middle of the group who were finally allowed to see it properly.

"About time." Yuma muttered uncharacteristically. Honestly, the author's attempts at building up suspense were annoying at times. Not to mention he sucked at it.

"Is that…" Cynthia started.

"… a… cabbit?" Deneve finished.

The little critter looked like something straight from Tenchi Muyo. It had a rabbit-like brown-furred body and a rather feline head while its ears were a huge fluffy mess of tan fur. This would have been adorable on its own, but the big green eyes oozing with innocence pushed the cuteness to mega-kawaii levels.

"Meow?" the cabbit mewled inquiringly with its head cocked to the side.

The cuteness just got bumped to giga-kawaii. This look could have broken Alicia's mental conditioning, reformed Ophelia or made Riful swear off torturing Claymores. Heck, Clare would let go of her revenge and forgive Priscilla just from the power of those eyes… You'd have to be completely heartless not to be swayed.

Further away, Clare got the feeling she escaped having her purpose in life taken from her. She shuddered at the thought.

The forgotten Rubel lunged at the cabbit with the intent of ripping it to shreds with his bare hands.

POW!

CRASH!

The spy landed in an undignified heap in a darkened corner of the room, out cold. Everyone turned their eyes to the figure now standing in front of the cabbit with its fist still extended from punching the man. They didn't pay attention as the 'Jaws' theme began playing in the background, indicating the predator lurking there, waiting for its downed prey… a very muscular, arguably female predator with short spiky hair and silver eyes.

"No one… hurts… the cabbit…" Deneve growled menacingly, much to her friends' surprise, her entire body shaking with barely-restrained fury.

No one noticed the color drain from Helen's face. 'Shit! It's happening again!'

"Deneve? What's wrong with you?" Miria asked.

"It's… I'm sorry Miria…" Deneve panted like she was actually fighting herself and her eyes were glazing over. "I can't… control it…"

"Is she Awakening?" Cynthia asked worriedly.

"Over a _cabbit? _You've got to be kidding me!" Raki exclaimed.

No one heard Miria mutter "It's not a cabbit."

"C'mon Deneve! Fight it!" Helen pleaded. If this monster was once again unleashed, not even the Destroyer would compare to the ensuing horror.

"Can't… It's… too… KAWAAIIIIIII!" With a _squeal_ of utter glee, the usually-stoic warrior whirled around and _glomped_ the small creature, wrapping her arms around it and crushing it to her chest.

Everyone's jaw hit the ground in shock. Clare actually stopped chasing Clarice and stared at the dual-wielding warrior.

Helen's head slumped in defeat. "A cuteness attack… I thought she was over it…"

"Who's a cute widdle cabbit? Yes you are! You're my cute lil' Cabbit-chan!" Deneve cooed. Said cabbit was now squirming and wiggling to escape the death grip, to no avail. Its eyes were bulging out of their sockets and it was somehow turning blue.

Yuma managed to voice the collective thought. "You MUST be shitting me." There was no other way to put it, meekness and rating be damned.

"Deneve, put it down." Miria's command was met with a sword pointing at her.

"No one… hurts… Cabbit-chan…"

"You don't understand."Miria pleaded. "We can't let it loose."

"Miria, what's going on here? Why are you so dead set on killing a harmless animal?" Raki asked.

"Harmless?" Miria snorted. "If only you knew."

"Why? Is it a remnant of the Organization?" Yuma asked.

"No. It's worse than that."

"Is it a monster in disguise? Can it turn into another Destroyer?" Cynthia shuddered at the thought.

"Don't you think it would have already done that if it could?" Clare replied with wry amusement despite her earlier attempts at killing the thing.

Deneve was doing a pretty good job after all.

"Then what is it?" Clarice approached cautiously, making sure to keep Raki between her and the man's soul mate.

"It's a plot bunny." Seeing the confused expressions on her friends' faces, Miria elaborated. "The physical form of one of the author's fanfic ideas. Every fic we've been came from of _these_. "

"And why exactly is it so bad that that you want to kill it." Cynthia asked. "I mean, after what we've been through, I don't see what kind of plot could be worse."

"Unless it's another Miria-torture fic?" Helen jested.

"It's not just about _me_!" Miria exclaimed. "Don't you see? It's not a random plot bunny, it's the _Pokegirl_ plot bunny!" A rumble of thunder was heard and the lights flickered to increase the dramatic proclamation.

She looked at her friends, fully expecting shocked gasps and horror-filled stares.

"Huh, Miria?" Yuma asked.

"Yes?"

"What is a Pokegirl?"

At this moment the lights went out. "Hey! What's going on?" Helen called in the pitch darkness.

_We apologize for this inconvenience but this chapter is too long and needs to be split in order to keep the fic __somewhat balanced. This is just a convenient point for yet another lame attempt at a cliffhanger._

"OH COME ON!" everyone chorused.

Don't worry, the next chapter's coming.

"Now I'm worried." Miria groaned.

"Before this ends, there's one more question I'd like to ask." Raki said.

"What?"

"Whose hand is on my butt?"


	4. The plot that shouldn't be, part 2

Disclaimer : as usual... oh, and I don't own Pokegirls either

The first thing Clare did when the lights came back was glare around for any misplaced hands.

"Well, at least this chapter was posted immediately instead of waiting for more reviews." Yuma shrugged.

"See, it wasn't that long." Cynthia said soothingly. "Tabitha's still out though."

"Cabbit-chan."

"And Deneve's condition hasn't improved." Raki sighed. "Okay, back to the original question…"

"I didn't do it!" several of the warriors shouted seeing the look in Clare's eyes.

"… what is a Pokegirl?" Raki finished.

Miria pinched the bridge of her nose to fend off the migraine. "The Pokegirl community is loosely based on the Pokemon franchise. Instead of 'pocket monsters', it involves bio-engineered female humanoid creatures which were originally used as soldiers in a world war. These creatures go insane and wreak havoc if they don't get sex. As such, the new governments of the world employ Tamers to keep Harems of these girls to defend cities and act as special military and police forces. Well, that's the gist of it; this is not the place for a full explanation." Here Miria took a breath after her lecture before groaning in despair. "This plot has already been implemented in several anime fanfics."

Everyone was stunned speechless judging from the hanging jaws.

Miria glared accusingly at the creature. "Can't you see the similarities? We are bio-engineered warriors with different specializations, Awakening can be used as the bad alternative to not getting enough 'Taming', the Abyssal Ones can be shifted into 'Legendary Pokegirls' just by replacing Isley with Priscilla and making Isley a legendary Tamer, or something like that… It would be ridiculously _easy_ to transpose this stupid plot into our world! Can you imagine what it would mean?"

"We'd get laid?" Helen suggested only to shrink under Miria's glare.

"OUR REPUTATION WOULD BE RUINED!" her captain roared.

Seeing that Miria was seconds away from chomping Helen's head off, Raki diverted the attention to himself. "Okay I can understand your point of view, but why were Clare and Rubel so upset?"

"This particular plot bunny would have Rubel deal with both Rachel and Undine… at the same time." Miria informed. "Before you ask, Undine would be stuck in her muscle-bound form. Oh, and they would be the 'Futanari' sub-type." she finished as an afterthought.

"Excuse me but what does futanari mean?" Clarice asked.

"… Hermaphrodite." Miria replied somewhat reluctantly.

The mental image came unbidden : the skinny bald man being cuddled by the bodybuilder pair. Add a couple of _things_ that have no place on a female body…

Raki was torn between laughing and covering his ass. Of course, Helen's reaction was the least restrained and erupted in the biggest fit of laughter heard from a Claymore since Miria's tickle session.

Even Miria had to admit this was one hell of an argument in the plot bunny's favor.

"For the sake of my sanity, can we move on?" the only man in attendance pleaded rather pitifully.

"Speaking of which, Rubel's gone!" Clarice exclaimed. Scratches could be seen leading away from the corner, like someone had clawed at the ground in an attempt not to be dragged away.

The mournful cry of a spy could be heard echoing in the distance.

"Rachel strikes again." Cynthia sighed.

"Shouldn't we pity him?" Yuma asked with little conviction.

"Hell no!" Helen shouted. "If anything, he should have it worse!"

"Can't top that idea though. I can see why he wants that thing dead." Raki muttered, which got another growl from Deneve. "But why Clare?"

"May I remind you who the male lead is in this show?" Clare hissed.

"Errr… Me?" he suggested.

"Yes, _you_. No why do you think I have a problem with that? Or am I not enough for you?" Her tone was like poisonous honey.

Now, just because the author doesn't hate Raki does not mean he can't mess with him. As such no one stopped Helen from speaking before he could even think of an answer. "Aww, come on kid! I thought having a harem is the ultimate male fantasy." She came closer to him with an extra sway of her hips and a devious smile on her lips, which made the young man gulp nervously.

Don't ask if it was the sway or the smirk.

"Helen, please don't tease me." Raki pleaded, feeling his impending doom.

"Who says I'm teasing you?" Helen replied. She was a bit too close for comfort and was now gently tracing patterns on his chest with her fingers, ignoring Clare's glare. "Maybe I just need someone to _tame_ me." she breathed huskily.

Raki knew she was joking, but her tone was nonetheless enough to reduce him to a stammering wreck. Wait, she _was_ joking, right? Because if she wasn't… damn you hormones… Helen then whirled away, a dejected expression on her face. "Or are we not good enough for you?" she pouted.

Raki should have seen the trap laid for him but even if he had, his kind, empathic heart could never flat out reject anyone.

One of the reasons he'd make a good tamer in a Pokegirl story.

"NO! You're all great… I swear…"

"Then you wouldn't mind being our _tamer_? How many of us do you think you could handle?" Helen grinned. "Separately AND together?" she winked at her friends who were all blushing.

"Raki, your nose is bleeding." Clare's tone could have sent shivers down Priscilla's spine.

The young man hastily wiped his nose and held out his hands in a placating attempt. Unfortunately his underlying hormones altered his answer. "Come on Clare, calm down, you know you're the only Pokegirl for me… no wait, the only Claymore… oh shit Priscilla's not a Claymore… Clare, please, put down your sword… Thank you, that's better… Wait, what are you holding?"

"Clare, what are you doing with a branding iron?" Helen asked worriedly.

"I'm going to mark MY territory." Clare replied casually while twirling the white-hot iron. It was a palm-sized circle with her symbol in the middle, and the words 'Property of Clare' around it. "Raki, please come here."

Raki took a step back.

Clare took a step forward.

"Come on Raki, didn't you say you belong to me?" The sweetness of her tone _nearly_ overrode his survival instincts.

Clare was about to pounce when she was tackled by Helen. The two warriors fell to the ground, Helen using her stretchy limbs to tie the struggling former Forty-Seven, nearly getting branded in the process. Clarice managed to grab the arm holding the iron but couldn't make Clare let go of it.

"RUN KID!" Helen's shout jolted Raki into movement. The young man quickly disappeared down the corridor in a mad dash. He quickly found a plot hole to hide in until the end of the chapter.

Hopefully Clare would have cooled down by next time.

Miria looked away from the pair and back to Deneve who still hadn't released the cabbit. "Can't you see Deneve? This thing is causing havoc even in this side-story. Imagine what it will be if it ever becomes true."

"No one… hurts… Cabbit-chan…"

Miria had had enough. A burst of Yoki-aided Phantom speed got her just in front of Deneve. She tried to snatch the cabbit but apparently, Deneve's protective instincts were enhanced by her cuteness-affected state – she flung the cabbit away (much to its relief). Miria tried to follow but Deneve lunged and caught her legs, wrestling Miria down and keeping her from reaching the plot bunny.

Cue to double catfight : violence, sexy women, tumbling, scratching, hair pulling, clothes tearing. A mud pit somehow appeared under the combatants. Tabitha chose that moment to wake up, getting an eyeful of a muddy Miria, and promptly fell back with a gigantic nosebleed.

"Hey! Who's the pervert?"

"OWWW! You branded my ass Forty Seven!"

"Which one?"

"It's not _your_ ass I want to brand Twenty Two!"

"RUN CABBIT-CHAN!"

Yuma took in the chaos. "This is madness." She then winced, knowing what was to come.

Long silence.

"What, no 300 quote?" Cynthia asked in disbelief.

Sorry, at this point even 300 quotes are not funny anymore. Even in an outtake, the insanity can only go so far.

Time for drastic measures.

A door opened in one of the walls. From it came out a completely unremarkable guy in his late twenties, early thirties. He was barely taller than Clare, with short brown hair and thick glasses. His absolute dislike for sun exposure and physical activity was evidenced by his pale skin and rather skinny build. He was wearing slippers, black sweatpants and a navy blue sweater.

"Meow." the cabbit purred and rubbed itself against his legs. Wordlessly, he picked the animal and walked back where he came from, pausing a moment to look at the scene : Deneve was being held in a headlock by Miria, Clarice was still trying to pry the branding iron from Clare who was biting on Helen's arm. Yuma and Cynthia had somehow obtained a bag of popcorn and were watching the show.

The weird guy laughed then scratched his head somewhat sheepishly. "Sorry about that. The 'plots I wouldn't be able to finish' pen wasn't locked properly and it ran when I wasn't looking." As the door closed and vanished, they could hear mutters about having Rachel use the iron on Rubel next time and evil cackles.

"Cabbit-chan…" Deneve whined and reached for the cabbit when Miria tightened her hold to prevent her from escaping. Suddenly Deneve blinked, the glazed over look disappearing from her eyes. "Miria, why am I in a headlock?" she asked in a polite yet tense voice, seemingly back to normal now. "And why do I feel like I did something I'll never live down?"

"Doesn't matter." Miria released her. "This whole matter is closed."

Everyone else was staring at the now-gone door. "Miria, there's something you might want to know…" Helen said.

"No I don't! I don't want to hear a single word about this!"

"But…" Yuma insisted.

"Closed. Forgotten. Never happened."

"Miria, that guy was…"

"I don't care who that was! That cabbit's gone, it's all I care!" the Phantom shouted as she stomped away angrily.

Back behind the Fourth Wall, the Author put the plot bunny back in its pen, chuckling at his latest work even though it had gotten out of hand.

Futa Rachel…. He nearly retched at that one.

The Claymore catfight however… throwing in that mudpit had been too tempting.

He looked at the plot bunny which had somehow put on a pair of very cool sunglasses, its cute face now set in a stony look. Then the cabbit leaned forward and spoke in a deep, emotionless tone.

"I'll be back."

With those ominous words it turned around and slowly walked away, the Terminator refrain playing behind it.


	5. What do you mean I'm dead?

Disclaimer : let's see… nope, still don't own it.

()()()()

"Just great." a voice behind Miria groaned in dismay. "Another new arrival."

Still somewhat disoriented, the spiky-haired claymore turned around and stared at the person who had spoken.

"I swear, this place sure is getting crowded."

Miria still didn't answer, too busy staring at the woman in front of her. It wasn't the blond hair or silver eyes that surprised her. It wasn't even the fact that this warrior had looks that put Galatea to shame, only enhanced by the gentle smile on her face.

"My eyes are up here you now."

Miria peeled her eyes from the woman's chest only for them to go back down two seconds later.

"Hey! Quit staring! You're freaking me out."

Try as she might, Miria still couldn't take her eyes away from her chest. This simply couldn't be.

"It's the writing right?" the woman sighed. "It's always the writing."

Indeed what had caught Miria's eye were the words on the front of her uniform : 'Teresa of the Faint Smile – strongest #1 ever – lame death by a sneak attack.'

Hey, what were you thinking?

"That's what I get for being merciful… DAMN IT HOW COULD I KNOW SHE WAS FAKING? KILL ME WHILE I'M STILL HUMAN MY ASS!" Teresa shouted angrily.

Miria sweatdropped at the sight. Sure she had heard of Teresa, but she didn't know how she had died. "You were ranked Number One, your opponent played possum… and you fell for it?" Talk about breaking the myth. In fact the idea was so ridiculous that Miria let out a chuckle.

Teresa glared at her, then her smile became evil. "I wouldn't laugh Miss 'Dumbest death in the Claymore universe'. Anyway, welcome to the Claymore Afterlife."

"What did you call me? And what do you mean Afterlife?"

Teresa shrugged. "Just what it means. If you're here, then it means you died, unless Yagi-sama pulls a last-minute save. Then again, it's not his style so I wouldn't hold my breath. Then again, Cynthia did make it… Anyway, as the strongest character here, it's my job to greet new arrivals and keep people in line."

Miria wanted to protest but a quick look around showed only people she knew had died. Heck she recognized a few of the fallen warriors from Pieta, who bore the words 'Cannon fodder'.

"And before you ask, everyone here bears a note regarding how they died." Teresa casually pointed at Miria's chest. "This is yours."

Miria looked down and saw the words Teresa had called her earlier. Her reaction was instantaneous. "WHAT THE HELL? I DIDN'T DIE DUMBLY!"

"Meow?"

Looking down, they saw a cabbit rubbing itself against Teresa's legs. As Miria glared at the animal, Teresa picked the note tucked in its collar before letting it go.

"That was a plot bunny." Miria scowled. It could only mean one thing: she was on the butt end of a fanfic… again!

Even dead she wouldn't be left alone!

"I know. Now let's see : Phantom Miria, number Six, amazingly skilled at group tactics, devised the plan that ensure some warriors would survive the northern war. Yet," Teresa threw Miria with a piercing gaze, "you cut down one of your comrades so you could charge into the Organization _alone_."

Miria started to shrink.

"Then a warrior used a special ability on you; an ability that conveniently only works on _one_ warrior at the time."

Miria shrunk more.

"The ability created the illusion of one of your dead friends."

Miria was now barely taller than Teresa's knee.

"And you believed it was true even though _you_ delivered the death blow back then."

Teresa looked down… and down… and down to the two inches tall Miria. "Yep, for one of the most popular characters, that's pretty lame."

Suddenly Miria grew back to her original size, which still smaller than Teresa's. "How could I know they were going to pull the old mind rape trick? This is Claymore, not Naruto or Bleach! Couldn't Yagi be more original?" she shouted at the skies.

"You are missing the point." Teresa countered with a raised eyebrow and pointed to a silver-haired man arguing with a small girl. Both of them had the 'fought to his/her last breath in a heroic yet pointless struggle' label.

Oh, and there were several naked women with sewed eyes and mouths clinging to their legs.

"My fault? Excuse me, who tried to control a mindless creature who only seeks to destroy everything?" the man shouted.

"I wouldn't have if you hadn't found that thing! You know, the one who's been on a rampage recently?"

"At least I realized she was stronger than me and didn't try to boss her around!"

"Right! You couldn't even admit it publically! You pretended you were stronger when in truth she kicked your ass!"

"She also kicked yours!"

"Ass-pulled heel face turn!"

"Jailbait!"

"Horse ass!"

Behind the bickering duo, several Claymores were watching while eating some popcorn with various levels of amusement written their faces. Only two of them had blank expressions on their identical features, their black outfits marked 'Pwned by Priscilla' standing out in the crowd.

As Yoki began surging around the pair, Teresa suddenly flared hers and called. "No fighting in your Awakened forms! Or else…"

Two pairs of fearful eyes turned to her. "Yes Ma'am!" they squeaked.

"God they are older than me yet they behave like children at times." she sighed and returned her attention to the stunned Miria. "Anyway, back to the point. You didn't have a desperate fight for survival like those two. You didn't go in a blaze of glory like Rigaldo."

The Silver Eyed Lion King gave her a friendly wave, his shirt proudly displaying his 'SUPERB!' mention. The 'Pwned' captains from Pieta stopped glaring at him and shook their head mournfully at Miria, though Jean was not with them.

"You didn't die an inspiring death, defiant to the end, refusing your condition and entrusting your will to someone."

In the distance, Ophelia was seen chasing her one-time 'AB of the month' playmate – if said Awaken Being snapping her neck and Ophelia slashing her to pieces can be called playing.

"Nor did you sacrifice your life in a tear-jerking moment to save a comrade with your dying breath."

Jean was currently poking at Duff's giant crumpled form; apparently Riful had been mildly annoyed at his handling of her corpse. Along with her were two Claymores with the 'Pwned' mention, and another with the 'goriest death award', cheerfully doodling on him.

"No, you just sat there, reveled in an illusionary happiness despite having a sword in your gut, and died with a goofy smile." Teresa finished.

Miria mumbled incoherently."I thought…"

"What, that you had plot armor? No one has, ask Renee."

"At least you _had_ a death scene." Said warrior shouted.

"Don't be sour, Irene didn't either." Teresa placated.

"Hers was the 'fated yet tragic mentor's death'. Mine was 'too unimportant to be shown'! Heck not even the author of this fic knows if I'm dead or not because Yagi didn't bother confirming it!"

Teresa sighed tiredly. The duty of peaceholder was annoying at times. 'I wonder if I can dump it on Priscilla when she comes here.'

She sighed again and once again turned to Miria. "Sure, we were expecting some of you to die, but nobody was betting on _you_ being the first. We thought it would be someone less prominent, like Tabitha."

Miria sputtered indignantly. "W… Wait! You're BETTING on who dies next?"

Everyone shuffled uneasily. "Well, you see, we've got to keep ourselves entertained somehow. Even watching Isley and Riful gets boring after a while you know." Flora's soft, polite voice said.

"In fact we're wondering how long it will take for Tabitha to kill herself in despair." Undine poked her fingers together, which looked strange considering her massive bulk.

()()()()

Back in the living world.

"STOP HER!" Galatea shouted as Tabitha was trying to hang herself for the sixth time.

"I'M TRYING!" Clarice replied as she attempted to remove the noose from Tabitha's neck and Miata prevented her from kicking the stool away.

"CAPTAIN! I'LL JOIN YOU!"

()()()()

"And someone might get a lamer death than you… I don't know, like choking on an apple or something…" Jean continued.

()()()()

"ACK… ACK…*cough*…HELP…" the choking warrior was saved by a hard punch to the gut, which expelled the bit of fruit stuck in her windpipe. She took a few deep breaths and grinned gratefully to her long-time friend.

"Told you this would happen some day."

Heedless of the scare she had just received, the hungry Claymore took another apple. "Want some?" she asked.

"ARGHHHHH!"

()()()()

"… or being strangled to death for being too annoying."

'Like that could happen.' Miria's angry grumbling was interrupted by a loud, upset-sounding voice… a voice she hadn't heard in years.

"WHERE IS SHE?"

The crowd parted to let a Claymore through. Miria's face split into a huge happy smile at the sight of her old friend; and this time it was no illusion. _She_ was truly here. Of course she'd be here, where the entire Claymore cast went when they died.

"HILDA!"

Cue to the classic reunion scene as the two women ran at each other, a magnificent field of flowers appearing under their feet and cheesy romantic music playing in the background.

Miria's joy was short-lived when instead of the heartfelt hug she was expecting, she found her right ear grabbed into a vicious pinch. The screeching of a scratched record was deafening.

"OWWW! Hilda! What the hell…" Miria screamed as she was dragged away by her ear to another room.

"You were supposed to avenge us, destroy the Org and set things right, but nooooooo… not to mention you pretty much doomed the good guys in this series… so you, little missy, are going to get a small attitude adjustment. Consider yourself lucky it won't be public." Hilda locked the door behind her, though Miria's voice could still be heard.

"Hilda! Put me down! Hey! These are my pants!" Miria screeched. "Hilda… Why are you holding a paddle? No… don't tell me you're going to…"

"This is for acting like an idiot!" ***SLAP!*** "This is for injuring your comrade!" ***SLAP!*** "This is for threatening your friend!" ***SLAP!*** "Another one for acting like an idiot!" ***SLAP!*** "This is for going on your own!" ***SLAP!*** "This is for falling for a stupid trick…"

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

Outside the room, Teresa gave her trademark smile. 'Just wait Clare. I am quite unhappy with your choices in life and your sense of priorities… When you come here, we too will have a nice long _talk_ about it.' she thought, idly thinking of the wooden paddle she had with Clare's name on it.

()()()()

In the living world, Clare sneezed loudly. Sure it was strange considering she had been merged with a bodyless mass of Yoki. But what was even stranger was the sudden urge she had to cover her rear.


	6. Fun with OOC

Disclaimer : Do I have to? Fine… I don't own Claymore

()()()()

The beauty of a fanfic with no actual story is that you can do things you couldn't otherwise without worrying about credibility and continuity. Therefore, after being given a taste of her afterlife, Miria was surprised to find herself once again among the living.

Her ass however was still sore.

But of course, she wouldn't be sent back if there wasn't a plot to be written.

ATTENTION! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! A PLOT BUNNY HAS ESCAPED! ALL PERSONNEL ARE REQUIRED TO GIVE CHASE AND CAPTURE! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL…

"Shut the f*ck up already!"

Miria turned to the person and gaped in surprise.

"What the f*ck are you looking at?"

The resurrected warrior had to pinch herself.

"Take a f*cking picture, it'll last longer." Cynthia growled without moving from her leaning position against the wall. She then looked up. "ENOUGH WITH THE F*CKING CENSORSHIP YOU F*CKING LITTLE SH*T OF AN ***HOLE AUTHOR!" she shouted.

"Cynthia?" Miria asked, unable to believe this was the sweet, polite woman she knew. "What's going on here?"

"Who do you think I am? Your f*cking lapdog? Ask Tabitha."

Any more questions from Miria were forestalled by the sensation of something bouncing on her head. She was then struck by a sense of déjà vu as someone bowled her over, sending her on her still sore posterior.

"Captain?" a voice laced asked with a tone that conveyed a mix of surprise, wonder and disbelief. "Captain it's you! I'm so glad to see you!"

Opening her eyes, Miria found herself looking up into Tabitha's eyes. However, instead of glomping her like she would have expected from her number one follower, Tabitha calmly stood up and offered her hand to help her.

"Hurry up it's getting away! Oh, Miria, it's good to see you." Miria actually had trouble recognizing Rubel's voice due to the lack of its usual oily smugness. In fact, it sounded like the man was genuinely happy to see her.

Okay, something was definitely amiss here.

"I would like to catch up after your most fortunate resurrection however we are currently in the middle of a crisis. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated." the spy finished.

"What is going on here? And where are the others?"

"The others are unavailable." Tabitha sighed tiredly. "Helen passed out when Raki hit on her… oh wait, she's awake now." Tabitha amended, pointing to the usually outgoing warrior who was backing from her old friend.

"P-P-please Deneve… I… I'm not… I don't think it's a… very good idea…" Helen stuttered, shrinking on herself and poking her fingers together as Deneve advanced on her with an evil grin on her face.

"C'me on! It's just a quickie, don't be such a prude Helen! Oh, hey Miria! Wassup?" Deneve grinned at Miria. Helen tried to get away but Deneve pounced on her. "Gotcha! Now let's see if Raki's done with the others."

"Eeeeepppp!" Helen let out a mouse-like squeak and fainted with a nosebleed. Deneve giggled as she slung her unconscious friend over her shoulder and walked away.

Miria stared at the hallway. "THAT was Deneve? And what was that about Raki _hitting_ on Helen?"

"He's been hitting on every single Claymore since that thing got out... Amazing that those lame pick-up lines work. Last time I checked he was in a threesome with Clarice and Dietrich."

"And Clare doesn't mind?"

"Clare is too busy making out with Priscilla to care." Rubel informed helpfully. "Besides they got their turn earlier."

"Oh, sure… WAIT… WHAT?"

Tabitha ignored the outburst. "Yuma said she'd be back when she's done kicking the Organization's ass… You've seen Cynthia… Galatea wanted some piercings and a haircut… she mentioned a pink Mohawk… Only Rubel was nice enough to help me."

'Rubel… nice…' Miria's brain attempted to process the information. 'Does…not… compute…'

"It was my pleasure." Rubel actually _smiled_.

"Please Tabitha, I'm lost." Miria pleaded. "What is going on here?"

She only received a grave look from Tabitha. "Captain, the OOC plot bunny is on a sugar high. THIS is the result."

"The what?" Miria asked.

Rubel pushed his glasses up his nose and pointed to the blurring shape bouncing off the walls. "OOC, or out of character if you prefer. It means that the author has one or several characters acting differently from the way established in canon. It can be a simple change, a complete reversal, or on the contrary, strengthening a trait, sometimes to the extreme."

"Now, the change can be justified by the plot, be intended to be funny, or downright aimed to bash a character. For instance, the author enjoys making you OOC to break you from your overly serious canon persona. Deneve's cuteness attack a more drastic example of OOC." Tabitha explained. "Just like making me obsessed with you…"

"I notice you haven't attempted to kiss Miria since she's back." Rubel supplied without a hint of sarcasm.

"… or having Rachel jump Rubel's bones just to make his life hell." Tabitha shot back snidely. "Speaking of which…"

"Hoo hoo... Ruby-poo…" a sweet and obviously fake whine was heard. They turned around and saw Rachel.

In a pink short dress.

It would have looked cute on anyone else.

"Could you give me a back rub? Pwetty pwease…" she pouted.

Rubel smiled at her. "Of course. Please excuse me, my fair lady is calling." the spy apologized before scurrying away.

"Wanna bet they both freak out when it's over?" Cynthia snickered.

"This…" Miria began, "This is insanity! THIS IS MAD-humph!" Whatever she was about to say was cut off by Tabitha's and Cynthia's hands on her mouth.

You could almost hear the Author pout.

They removed their hands and Tabitha continued. "Anyway, while the Author normally uses OOC somewhat sparingly…"

"Yeah right." Miria muttered.

"… something set it off, badly, and it went loose. So instead of a minor change…"

"It completely screws us up." Cynthia finished crossly. "Instead of my goody-two-shoes self I'm a cursing bitch, Rubel's actually nice, Raki's a womanizer, Clare and Priscilla are all lovey-dovey…"

"… Helen's shy and Deneve only wants to have fun." Miria guessed. "This… is bad."

"Are you shitting me?" the normally sweet Claymore snorted. "As it is right now, that thing could probably make Ophelia hug kittens. I bet they're all laughing their asses off up there."

'If only you knew.' Miria thought, having seen the kind of entertainment the dead characters had. Then another thought occurred to her. "Hey, why aren't I and Tabitha affected anyway?"

"Well, OOC is only fun if some characters remain the same. What would be the point if having everyone act crazy if no one picks on it?" Tabitha replied. "Since you get OOC in all the others fics, you're exempted this time."

"Lucky me." Miria muttered. "I'm the only normal one in a bunch of nutcases."

Tabitha frowned. "Captain, I'll let you know that my personality hasn't been affected either."

This got a snicker from Cynthia. "What personality? Your only distinctive trait is to follow Miria like a puppy. Heck, it's even been stated in canon recently." Ignoring Tabitha's glare, Cynthia turned to Miria. "She was going to attack the Org by herself but Deneve stopped her. Taby then punched her for mouthing you off."

In the Claymore Afterlife, most characters were engaged in a heated debate about who had won the bet. Some said Tabitha had wanted to die, and other argued that it didn't matter since she had failed.

"Aren't we getting off topic?" Tabitha huffed to hide her anger. "We need to stop this thing before it causes _more_ havoc!"

"And how do we do that?" Miria asked as she tried to keep her eyes on the super-fast cabbit. "The Pokegirl plot bunny was bad enough, but this one acts like it's on crack!" She then narrowed her eyes. "Who stopped it last time by the way?"

Both other Claymores shuffled uneasily.

Over the PA system, innocent whistling could be heard.

"Well?" Miria prodded.

And then salvation came.

"… YUMAAAA… THROW!"

Three large whirling objects flew past the trio, narrowly missing them, and impaled the wall behind.

***THUNK!***

***THUNK!***

***THUNK!***

When they looked at the wall, they saw that the now _very_ still plot bunny now looked like a circus knife-throwing target.

Except that the 'knives' in question were claymores.

One of which was embedded just between its ears.

"Hell yeah!" Yuma cheered and pumped her fist. "Number Forty saves the day! Damn I'm good!"

Everyone blinked.

"Did Yuma just call her attack like a manga character?" Miria asked.

"Well, we are manga characters." Tabitha rationalized.

"What the hell is she doing here? She said she was going to the Org." Cynthia asked.

"Oh but I did! Went there, kicked ass and ripped them a new one!" Yuma gave them a V sign. "Well, except for Dae, he was working on a cure for cancer." she amended before walking to the frightened cabbit. The small animal looked up fearfully as the emboldened Claymore smiled sweetly and shook her forefinger in a scolding motion. Wordlessly she then pointed to where it came from.

The cowed plot bunny gulped nervously and nodded. It peeled itself from the wall and shakily walked away, opening a small trap door in the wall and disappearing inside.

Yuma grinned and wiped her hands in a satisfied way. "There! This solves that problem, everything should be okay soon."

"I hope so Yuma-san." Cynthia agreed.

"It looks like it's started." Miria said, noticing Cynthia's more formal speech as well as Yuma's posture becoming less assertive.

A loud girlish scream, quickly identified as Rubel's, was heard in the distance. In the meantime, a half naked Raki ran past them, a rabid Helen on his heels.

"Please Helen! It wasn't my fault!" the young man pleaded.

"I don't care!" Helen shouted back. "You did Color-Head, Shorty and Deneve, so I'll be damned if I don't get my turn!"

"Well, looks like everyone's back to normal." Miria sighed, hearing what sounded like two hellcats attempting to kill each other coming from somewhere else, which indicated that Clare and Priscilla were not happy with their current situation. Anything else she wanted to say was interrupted for she suddenly found herself in the 'super-happy glomp of doom' she had been expecting/dreading at the beginning of the chapter.

"CAPTAIN!" Tabitha squealed in delight, sending them both to the floor. She was so happy to see Miria that she looked like she could kiss her.

In fact she was already puckering up.

"Yes," Yuma smiled, "definitely back to normal."

"Not affected, yeah right." Cynthia smirked in a (normal) display of OOC. "Shouldn't we help her?" she asked as Tabitha's ministrations turned to outright humping and Miria tried to fend her off with little success.

"Well, look who's back." They didn't know if the subtle smirk on Deneve's face was due to Miria's predicament or something else as the Ghosts' surrogate commander walked to them; they wisely chose not to comment on her slight limp though.

"Deneve! Help!" Miria begged as she frantically moved her head left and right to dodge Tabitha's lips, looking like a human attacked by a Facehugger from the Alien movies.

"I don't think so! You deserve it, and I still have to sock you one after that!" Deneve stated before walking away, Cynthia and Yuma following her.

"WHA-HMPH!" Miria's protest was cut off as the Facehugger… err…Tabitha finally succeeded in latching herself to her mouth.

'Then again these movies never ended with hot girl-on-girl action.' the Author thought as Miria's clothes began to fly.


	7. The Raki rant

**WARNING** : This chapter contains spoilers for manga chapter 113 ; read at your own risk.

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Claymore.

()()()()

"Go away! I'm not coming out!" a rather immature voice shouted stubbornly inside the room, much to the irritation of the group assembled in front.

No, this is not a repost of the first chapter of this fic. The setting was eerily similar though : once again, one of the characters had been upset at their treatment in recent chapters and, as a result, had isolated themselves to sulk.

"Damn it kid!" Helen shouted. "You're sounding like your anime version." She then turned to Deneve. "Can I break the door this time? Miria's not around so it should be okay."

"DON'T!" Deneve shouted.

"Awww! Why?" Helen whined.

"Because last time you did, we all ended up passing out from blood loss."

"Come on Deneve! That was a different fic and I doubt the kid's brooding naked!"

"And what if he is?"

Helen thought about for a moment before grinning. "Then it'd still be worth it."

The dual-wielder looked torn but she still shook her head regretfully.

"What's going on here?" the honorary Ghost AKA Dietrich asked as she approached.

"Apparently Raki is being difficult." Cynthia supplied.

Dietrich blinked. "Who?"

"You know… Raki."

"I don't see who you're talking about."

"Hellooooo… the male lead of the show… Clare's boy toy…" Helen asked.

"The guy whose ass you ogled in the author's previous fic?" Yuma supplied, blushing at the memory.

"Rings any bells?" Helen finished.

"Nope." Dietrich deadpanned.

A frustrated sound was heard behind the door.

"Anyway, I'm asking again, what's going on?"

"He's locked himself in and won't come out no matter what. We tried everything!"

"We slipped a picture of a naked Galatea under the door, we dangled Clare's underwear, we talked dirty to him, we told him Clare and Priscilla were making out… Heck, he didn't come out even when Rachel chased Rubel with a branding iron." Helen sighed.

A loud squeal of pain was heard, along with the sound and smell of sizzling flesh. Seconds later, a grinning Rachel was seen dragging Rubel by a leash, the spy holding his smoking butt.

"See?" Helen asked. "No reaction."

"That was pretty random." Dietrich deadpanned.

"Well, the author did say he wanted Rachel to brand Rubel's ass some day." Cynthia shrugged. "At least he's keeping his promises."

"Huh, Cynthia?" Yuma asked hesitantly. "A reviewer sent a review involving the Y-word. And you remember what we were threatened with if it ever came up again."

Everyone gulped nervously.

"Nah, don't worry. That rule only applies to you. As long as none of you mentions any yaoi pairings, you'll be fine." They turned around and saw a guy in a janitor outfit mopping a corner of the room. "Though I'm still wondering if Rubel/Rachel counts."

"Well, that's a relief." Deneve sighed. "Thank you, mister?"

"D. Just call me Weird D." he said, chuckling to himself before leaving.

"Why do I feel like I know this guy?" Helen asked, voicing everyone's question.

"Anyway, why is… Raki… upset?" Dietrich asked in an attempt to get things back on topic.

"Well, apparently, he's mad at his recent character development, or lack thereof." Cynthia replied.

"The kid was the first character whose name was given, and was the 'boy meets girl' that starts most manga series. That meant he was a relevant character, even though the cast started expanding and he was the only normal human." Helen explained.

"Well, _excuse me_ for starting off as an _ordinary_ twelve-years old boy. I'm _deeply_ sorry for not being trained to use swords as soon as I could walk. Please forgive me for not having a traumatic past and not growing up on a battlefield." Raki growled sarcastically.

Deneve ignored the interruption. "Even after Clare got separated from him, he was the reason behind most of her actions : because she was looking for him, she ran into Riful, Galatea and Jean, and got information about Priscilla. Because Rubel mentioned Raki had been taken north by slavers, Clare fought in Pieta. Then we left because she found traces of him, and went to Rabona since it was a turning point for them, which led to our timely arrival against Agatha."

"So, even without being there, he was still a motivating element for the plot." Yuma summarized.

"Yeah right." Raki snorted. "I went from support character to convenient plot device."

"Come on! You became able to kill off Yoma during the time skip, and you managed to befriend two of the big bads!" Helen shouted. "It's nothing to sneeze at."

This got another derisive snort from the man. "First, most fans are still sticking to my anime version. Never mind the fact that I was ready to die for Clare, they still see me as the load she was dragging around, and the one who stopped her from killing Priscilla."

"That's a good laugh considering Priscilla wiped the floor with Clare in the manga." Cynthia giggled.

"Well, most of the readers hate Priscilla." Helen objected. "She _is_ the main villain after all."

"Get real!" Raki shot back. "The readers don't hate Priscilla because she's evil or overpowered, they hate her because she killed the single most favorite character in this entire series! Well, GROW UP AND GET OVER IT!"

"The author is soooo getting flamed for this." Helen sighed.

"At least he might finally get more than six reviews for a chapter." Yuma shrugged.

"Where were we? Oh yeah… I can kill Yoma? Big deal, they haven't been a threat to anyone since what? Eighty chapters? I finally get a moment of glory, and immediately after it gets shot down when it's revealed that humans _can_ actually fight Yoma."

"…" Try as they might, none of the warriors could find an answer.

"And as for Priscilla considering me a friend, well, have you even read chapter 110?"

More silence was the only answer.

"Right! She didn't! 'I don't need you anymore' and a hand stuck in my back as a nice farewell gift! Sorry but in my book, someone who shoves their hand through your body is NOT a friend! So not only did I get dumped twice in the span of ten chapters, I pretty much lost my sole purpose in this series."

In another manga, a certain blond-haired loud-mouthed ninja stumbled due to an explosive sneezing fit. Said sneeze prevented him from saving his pink-haired abusive bitch of a love interest from his traitorous bastard psychopath of a 'friend', which _finally_ gave him a reality check.

"Wait! Why are you defending Priscilla if you're mad at her?" Dietrich objected.

"Riful enjoyed torturing Claymores to turn them into Awakened Beings and no one called for her blood! Rigaldo slaughtered several of your friends but they still think he's one of the coolest Awakened! Can anyone say, 'double standard'?" Raki explained. "And at least she had the decency to dump me face to face. When Clare revealed that she cares about me much less than she does about her revenge, she said it to _you_."

The mighty warriors were stunned as the usually meek human vented his frustrations. Then again, even Yuma had been growing a backbone lately, so he kind of deserved it.

"Come on kid!" Helen shouted. "You make it sound like Yagi's gonna finish you off soon. At least you're still alive, so he must have some plan for you."

"Do I need to remind you? Isley came back after the time skip and he was killed in three chapters. Or Miria? Absent from the story for a while too, and she died two chapters later."

"Haven't you read? She made it after all." Dietrich announced.

"Where is she by the way?" Deneve asked, as she still owed her a punch.

"She's a little… tied up… at the moment." Helen grinned.

()()()()

"Tabitha! I demand that you release me immediately!" the returned leader ordered.

"I cannot, Captain." Tabitha purred as she gently stroked Miria's newly-scarred face. "You might do something stupid again."

"Could you at least give me some clothes?"

"Nope!"

()()()()

"I still think you're taking it too hard." Helen challenged.

"You want proof? Don't you wonder how I coped with the revelation that my travelling companions were man-eaters? I may be a pretty accepting guy, and maybe I got over it quickly, but I doubt it was instant! But no, this was completely swept under the rug… So much for character development!"

"He sure is on a roll today." Yuma commented.

"Well, this chapter is named the Raki rant after all." Deneve shrugged.

"And in a way, he does have a point." Dietrich conceded.

"But Raki, there's still the question of what you'll become now that Priscilla's hand has been removed." Cynthia placated. "Surely this will lead to something."

"Right, Yagi will make me the next Abyssal and Clare will kill me in a tearful Hilda-Miria redo… Not that anyone cares. Most of the readers are too busy rejoicing because Dae's plans probably involve some Teresa-zombie, others are partying about Miria's survival, and the rest are drooling over the new warrior with the most common superpower in anime."

"Big breasts?" Helen asked.

"No! The ability to fly. I swear every anime has at least one character who can do that. It's become as stereotyped as having a character who's obsessed with revenge."

"Actually, it's not true flight." Dietrich corrected in defense of her fellow warrior.

"Yeah, Anastasia's ability is crazy hair regeneration. Must be really stretchy too if she can tie it to rocks dozens of feet apart." Helen mused.

"Well, I suppose she needs it… It would be a pain to maintain that hairdo otherwise." Deneve grumbled, unconsciously running her hand through her short locks. "Still, this has to be the vainest power ever."

"So instead of advancing the plot, Yagi is putting existing characters on a bus and introducing new ones, including a Rapunzel rip-off who acts like a Mary Sue." Raki sulked. "I feel so loved here."

"Don't be so negative kid! It's not like everyone hates you." Helen tried to sound comforting, though she only managed to sound frustrated.

The only answer she got was a derisive snort. "In case you don't know, I'm at the bottom of the popularity polls, only Rubel and Duff rank lower. So excuse me if my self-esteem is a little low at the moment." Raki concluded, and somehow they could picture him pouting with his arms crossed over his chest.

There was a long silence since no one could find an answer.

"AH! TO HELL WITH IT!" Helen shouted.

****KABOOM!****

Before anyone could react, she had drilled though the door. "Clare and Priscilla are dumb enough to pass up a guy who would worship them? Fine! BUT I AM NOT!" she stated as she stomped into the room. "The kid needs an ego boost? He's gonna get one!"

There were sounds of a struggle inside, followed by Raki's strangled voice. "WHAT ARE YOU… *groan*"

"Is she going to do what I think she is?" Dietrich asked with a blush. Her question was answered by a pair of pants flying of the room and Helen giggling.

"It _always_ ends like this. The author cannot write a serious story to save his life." Deneve paused as Helen's clothes followed. "And since the manga is so bleak, he thinks we all deserve a chance to be happy."

"Shouldn't we help?" Cynthia asked.

"I guess." Yuma replied as everyone followed inside.

Interestingly enough, no one bothered to ask _who_ they would help.

()()()()

Extra scene :

"Why does Raki protest so much about having a bunch of hot girls after him? Why can't I get more reviews? Should I do a 'what do you mean I'm alive' outtake now? Decisions, decisions…"

The author's musings are suddenly interrupted by someone tapping his shoulder. Turning around, he sees a very pissed random Teresa fan who immediately proceeds to talk his head off.

[Insert random rant about Teresa's awesomeness and the sheer tragedy of her death – twenty minutes later]

"… how can you not hate that bitch for what she did? How dare you even mention getting over Teresa's death! This is blasphemy! THIS IS MADNESS!"

"Madness?" the author asks with a raised eyebrow. "THIS! IS! A MANGA!" he roars back, kicking the unsuspecting fan into a black pit that appears from nowhere.

The author looks at the sign saying 'pit to Futa-Rachel's room' and cackles at the sounds of horror coming from inside.


	8. What do you mean I'm alive?

**Disclaimer** : don't own, don't own, don't own…

()()()()

"Why me? ***Thump*** Why me? ***Thump*** Why me? ***Thump***"

Each utterance was punctuated by the speaker banging her head on the wall.

"Miria?" Helen asked cautiously, which prompted everyone's favorite Number Six to stop denting the wall, "are you okay?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was thought to be dead, that is until Yagi revealed that I survived. Whoopie, I'm back in the canon plot… can't you see I'm dripping with enthusiasm?" Miria groaned without turning to face Helen.

"Uh uh…"

"Come on Miria! Isn't it great?" Cynthia asked cheerfully.

"No it's not!"

"Why?" Yuma asked. "You are one of the most popular characters; heck the fans were raving mad about your death. Surely it wouldn't raise such a reaction if anyone else among us died."

"And did you see the scene of your comeback?" Helen added. "All the warriors loyal to the Org _hiding_ your survival from them, you calmly walking up to them in the middle of that handler's stupid little propaganda speech, the "oh shit" look on his face, and the warriors turning to you like they were awaiting YOUR commands… scratch Clare vs Rigaldo or Priscilla kicking Alicia and Beth's asses, that had to be THE single most awesome moment in the entire series. Not to mention the badass scar you got."

"So what is wrong with all that?" Cynthia asked again.

"What is wrong," Miria spun around, glaring at the subordinates, "is that I thought I was finally free from those fics! AND LOOK WHERE I AM!"

Everyone stared at her. Not at the x-shaped scar on her face, but the massive black eye she sported.

"What the heck happened to you?" Yuma blurted.

"I happened." Deneve said as she came up, a satisfied smile on her face. "I see you managed to escape Tabitha."

()()()()

Somewhere else…

"MMMPPHHHHHRRRR! MMM… MPPHH! " the bound and gagged warrior protested helplessly. (Translation : "Captain! Untie me!")

()()()()

'Sweet revenge.' Miria thought.

"Finally done with the kid?" Helen asked Deneve. "Hey, where's Shorty?"

"_She_ wasn't done." Deneve snorted with a sour look, muttering something about being outdone by stamina freaks.

"Well, at least Raki won't be brooding after _that_." Cynthia supplied, blushing slightly.

"Do I want to know?" Miria sighed.

"Probably not." Yuma replied with a blush of her own.

"Right. Back on topic, do remember that I was chopped to pieces, and a handler, you know, the guys who can look at our bodies without puking, had to look away because it was too gruesome. Deliberately avoiding vital spots or not, the ground around me was pretty much painted red with blood."

"So?"

"Since Yagi had no problem killing off characters before, a miraculous survival feels a bit like an asspull. So they are wondering if he intended me to survive from the start, or if he eventually surrendered to fan pressure. Sorry Cynthia, you made it too, but your situation was more on the fence than mine."

"So what? They think that Yagi will start bringing characters back from the dead?" Helen scoffed.

"Actually," Miria started only to be interrupted by a loud popping noise**.**

***POOF***

"Oowwww!" Someone cried inside the cloud of smoke that had just appeared next to the group. The cloud dissipated to reveal a Claymore sitting unceremoniously on her butt. No one noticed Miria's eyes widening a bit.

"You!"

The unknown warrior stood up and dusted herself. She looked around and her eyes fell on Miria. "Oh, Miria. So there you are, we were wondering where you went."

"Who's that?" Helen whispered to Deneve.

"There's something on her shirt. 'Teresa of the Faint Smile – strongest #1 ever – lame death by a sneak attack'." Yuma read.

"Seriously?" Cynthia giggled, while Miria repressed a snicker since Teresa was still wearing her shirt from the Claymore afterlife.

"YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!" Teresa shouted before glaring at Miria. "Where is YOUR shirt anyway?"

"Well, I wasn't dead so I guess it isn't true anymore. Sorry" Miria shrugged helplessly while mentally sighing in relief. At least she didn't have to carry that ridiculous label anymore.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Deneve asked.

"Well, it seems I might be brought back in the manga pretty soon, if chapter 113 is anything to go by."

"More like the author is jumping the gun again. How can you so sure?" Miria asked.

"Well, look at what Dae said: three Rank One warriors can be reanimated, and they choose based on strength and the state of their bodies. Depends what he meant by 'no imperfections' but most people think I qualify." Teresa stated.

In the distance, the sound of cheering fanboys could be heard.

"I mean, I was hailed as the strongest warrior ever, and if Dae managed to put back together a Claymore whose body had been torn to shreds, a mere beheading should be easy to fix. And not to sound conceited or anything, but it would make sense to bring back the single strongest instead of a no-name, especially considering the drama this will allow down the line with Clare and Priscilla."

"But you were _beheaded_." Helen objected. "Isn't that supposed to be, I don't know, _fatal_?"

"Then you can extend that logic to the other two. No matter how they died, whatever happened to them had to be fatal too. Unless you consider beheading more serious than all the other deaths we've seen so far, including being cut to tiny pieces, being eaten or having half your body missing." Teresa frowned. "Though I still wonder how they managed to preserve our bodies. It's not like they have _fridges_ in this manga."

"Details." Miria snorted. "Trust me, they'll be so happy to see you back they'll be more than willing to let it slip. Except for the more annoying readers that is. I just hope Yagi won't make a habit of it. Can you imagine what will happen if characters start suddenly being revived?"

"Very true. For instance, who knows if Riful is really dead? For all we know, she managed to survive and the corpse Dauf was holding may have been a fake she created. We didn't see her die after all, just suffer seemingly lethal damage." Deneve pondered.

"That would be pretty farfetched." Helen frowned.

"It wouldn't be worse than the revived Number Ones." Yuma shrugged. "And honestly, we've seen warriors coming back from near-Awakening when it's supposed to be impossible, or warriors switching loyalties just like that. A few plot twists like that can give the story a second wind."

"Right, but if one of these involve gathering seven magical artifacts to summon a wish-granting dragon, I quit." Helen shot back.

"Without going this far," Teresa said pensively, "there were also Irene and Renee's deaths which were heavily implied, but never confirmed…"

"No way! Can you imagine how it would be? Heck, can you imagine what the crazy author of this fic could do if it happened?" Miria shouted. "Don't give him ideas!"

***POOF* *POOF* *POOF***

Three sounds identical to the one of Teresa's arrival were heard.

"Too late!" Yuma whimpered.

"_Thank you_ Miria." Deneve glared at her leader as she braced herself for the worst.

To their confusion, no new characters greeted them.

"Looks like we're safe." Miria breathed in relief.

"Yeah, whoever came back probably went to torture someone else." Helen grinned.

"Speaking of which, could anyone tell me where Clare is?" Teresa asked innocently. "I need to… talk… to her." she smiled while fingering a certain wooden item hidden behind her back.

Miria shuddered in remembrance.

Teresa's smile grew.

Oblivious to this, the others were wondering who had been brought back, and where they were.

()()()()

"Let me go!" Clare yelled as she waved her arms frantically in an attempt to free herself from the person holding her in a head lock with their legs. The fact that Priscilla was rolling on the floor laughing and pointing at her wasn't helping at all.

"Not until you give it back." her captor said, though it was somewhat muffled by the slip of paper she was holding between her teeth. On it was written : "IOU : an arm."

"Please Irene! I haven't killed her yet! I still need it!" Clare whined.

"It didn't prevent you from getting your ass kicked. Besides, I'm going to need it to have hot lesbian sex with Teresa."

()()()()

"Where am I?" the tanned, busty Claymore wondered as she looked at her surroundings. "And what is this smell?"

"Oh, hi Renee!" a voice that sounded like a more cheerful Dietrich greeted her.

"EEEEEPPPPPPPPP!" Renee screeched at the sight of the short Number Eight without her hair ties or her clothes, a smile replacing her usual serious expression. Renee's eyes widened even more when she recognized the naked man next to her. Raki gave her a friendly wave of the hand, that damn grin on his handsome face giving her slight butterflies in the stomach.

Desperate to stop the nosebleed she could feel forming, she asked the first thing that came to mind. "So… Raki, right? Did you meet this Clare person again like you wanted?"

Instantly, Raki's face fell and you could swear a dark cloud of gloom was forming above his head.

Dietrich scowled at Renee. "Damn it! It took us hours to cheer him up and you had to ruin it!" she stomped to Renee and glared at the stronger warrior. "Well, _you_ fix it!"

"WHAT?"

"Look, I'm tired, he's _still_ good to go," Dietrich allowed a little admiration to slip into her voice, "and at least this time you won't die a virgin!"

()()()()

Claymore Afterlife

"Damn it!" Riful stomped the floor childishly as she raged. "I am the third unconfirmed death! So why am I still here? Why did the author send _her_ back instead?"

"Because he's been waiting for an excuse to get her involved." Isley placated.

()()()()

"Gotta hide… can't let her find me…" Rubel looked around wildly as he tried to find a way to escape Rachel. Heck he could even hear the 'Jaws' theme playing in the background.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind, a pair of arms pulling him back into what felt like brick wall in a dark corner. Before he could scream, a hand was placed on his mouth to keep him quiet. He first thought Rachel had caught him until he saw her stalking the hallway.

"Come on Ruby-poo." Rachel called in a sing-song voice. "I need some luuuvin'…"

Instinctively, Rubel tried to bolt away but the arms tightened their hold to keep him still. Agonizing seconds went by until the bulky Claymore skipped away.

"You can run but you cannot hide, Ruby-poo." her giggle echoed.

Rubel slumped as soon as she left. He could not believe it… Finally a fic where she didn't get him.

"Thank you God." he breathed.

Wait, why was the 'Jaws' music still playing?

"I ain't God but I know how you can thank me." a somewhat familiar gruff voice replied. Rubel's eyes widened as his savior revealed herself as the only Claymore who could out-muscle Rachel.

Rubel began sweating. "Huh… Undine? Weren't you dead?"

Undine grinned down at him. "I got better. Now come here… hot stuff." she breathed sultrily.

Ah, the joys of giving overly muscular Claymores a skinny guy fetish…


	9. The Roxanne effect

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Claymore

()()()()

"Don't come any closer!" Miria's warning shout, accompanied by the tightening grip on her sword, was enough to make Tabitha back off. Looking like a kicked puppy, the braided warrior returned to her side of the standoff.

"Please Captain, this is ridiculous!" she pleaded. "You know I'd never…"

"Better safe than sorry." Miria interrupted.

"But she's right Miria! After all we've been through, why would we…" Yuma insisted, trying to placate Miria.

"Just call it a _precautionary measure_." Surprisingly, Cynthia's voice was lacking its usual kindness, replaced with a wary edge.

"Galatea, make them see reason, please." Clare said with barely-repressed annoyance. "This is ridiculous and you all know it."

"That's what you think." the blind Claymore replied coldly.

And this is the scene that Helen and Deneve came up to : Galatea, Miria and Cynthia watching Clare, Tabitha and Cynthia like they were expecting to be attacked at any moment. While only the former group had their swords drawn, the tension between them was so thick that it would take little to nothing for the situation to explode.

Helen blinked several times at the sight. "What the hell is going on here?"

"It's just a misunderstanding." Clare stated.

"Please help us! They've gone mad!" Yuma shouted.

"We haven't, we're just being cautious." Miria explained.

"More like paranoid." Clare muttered.

Helen and Deneve exchanged confused looks.

"Come on Captain. Just because there were some… strange circumstances does not mean anything. You know we love…"

"Don't finish that sentence!"

Deneve sighed before calling out to no one. "Okay, that's enough. I'm confused, the readers are confused, so spill it! What's going on?"

The only answer she got was a dainty giggle from a corner of the room. Looking around, she finally noticed the presence of an unknown warrior who gave them a friendly wave, a bright grin on her glossy lips. She had curly hair that was done in girlish pigtails and a mole under her eye.

Miria glanced at the unknown warrior and flinched visibly.

"YOU!" Tabitha screamed.

"Yes?" the friendly-looking Claymore smiled innocently.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"What did I do?" Roxanne of Love and Hate asked, a look of clueless bewilderment on her face.

"Because of you Captain is scared of me!" Tabitha shouted, looking like she wanted to cleave her in two.

Cynthia looked at Roxanne distrustfully. "Apparently, your attitude has caused a spread of paranoia around."

"As if you wouldn't be if you were in our place!" Galatea scowled. "Look at you! You picked up Yoki synchronization from Cynthia, just like Clare did from me. Considering how Roxanne turned out, we are a bit worried."

"All right, what exactly has your panties in a bunch?" Helen asked. "I mean, having a copycat character in a manga isn't exactly uncommon."

"How about the fact that Roxanne was infamous for befriending other warriors she admired, learning or copying their fighting styles, and once mastered, said warrior would _conveniently_ die shortly after?"

"They died in Awakened hunts." Roxanne defended, unfazed by the thinly-veiled accusation.

"Right… and you were present in every one of those." Cynthia shot back.

"Not to mention some of those ABs were weak…" Galatea continued.

"And you didn't care about your comrades' death." Miria finished.

"Are you saying you think I had a hand in their death?" Roxanne gave them the most harmless smile she could. "Do I look like a cold-blooded murderer?"

"Ophelia looked like a nice person, for two pages." Miria snorted. "Then she turned out to be a complete psycho." She then turned to Roxanne. "And did you see how you looked in that panel where you saw Cassandra for the first time?"

"Like I was in awe of her?"

"No. Batshit insane." the Phantom deadpanned.

Helen sweatdropped at the explanation. "I think I understand a little, but isn't it a bit too extreme?"

"Consider yourself lucky Jean and Undine are dead, or you and Deneve would be busy defending yourselves." Yuma sighed.

"Hey, I respected Undine. That's why I…"

"Took up her fighting style." Galatea finished sweetly.

"_After_ she died! Same for Helen!" Deneve scowled.

Helen nodded. "But what about Taby? She didn't copy anything from you, Miria. She merely idolizes you!"

"And that's exactly how Roxanne started every time! Then she went from stalker with a crush to PSYCHO stalker with a crush." Miria scowled while Tabitha went teary-eyed. "Actually, scratch that. Recent chapters have shown she's just plain evil, period."

"Standing on the side while an AB tortured a fellow warrior, causing your so-called 'friend' to lose it and cut through the others to get to _you_, and _laughing_ as she did." Galatea enumerated.

"Come on, Ophelia threw Raki to an AB to try and make me Awaken." Clare snorted. That's nothing to sneeze at."

At that moment, Roxanne suddenly sneezed.

"Sorry, but Ophelia did have a redeeming ending. Roxanne is just a crazy manipulative bitch so far." Cynthia stated. Yes, sweet nice Cynthia actually insulted someone. The world is coming to an end.

()()()()

Claymore afterlife.

"HER EVILNESS... IT'S… IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!" Riful shouted, a look of shock on her face.

"NO WAY! I'VE BEEN OUT-CRAZIED!" Ophelia shrieked.

"WAAHHHH!" they both broke into tears in each other's arms.

()()()()

By now everyone was backing away from Roxanne.

"So what? You think she's contagious?" Deneve asked blankly.

"YES!" all three paranoid warriors chorused together.

"This is the dumbest plot idea the author's ever had." Helen deadpanned.

***Hey, give me a break. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find anything funny in this manga lately? I wrote this after chapter 118 was out, changed it a bit to fit 119, and now 120 came out during proof-reading***

"Fine, fine. I'm sorry." Helen grumbled.

"This is all your fault." Tabitha repeated in a hateful hiss, drawing her sword and taking a step toward Roxanne.

"Taby, I don't think this is a good idea." Helen pleaded.

"Why?"

"Because she IS a former Number One and can wipe the floor with you without even trying?" Helen suggested.

This made Tabitha pause. She glared at Roxanne who smiled back innocently at her. Oh how she wanted to wipe off that smirk, but Helen was right. Still, justice had to be served so she needed to blame someone for pushing her beloved Captain away from her. Her eyes caught Raki who was casually passing near them.

"YOU!" she shouted.

Raki stopped and gave her a friendly smile until he saw the look in Tabitha's eyes. "Yes Tabitha? Is there anything wrong?"

"YES! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Everyone stared at Tabitha's sudden shift in target. A collective 'huh?' was heard.

"IT IS!" Tabitha continued. "If you hadn't befriended Priscilla, she wouldn't have stabbed you with her arm. Then you wouldn't have been taken by the Organization. Then Dae wouldn't have been able to resurrect those three. Then the rebellion would have succeeded and Captain would not be scared of me!"

"Whoa! Nice anti-Raki rant here." Helen admitted. "Though I don't think people care about the last part."

"You're not helping." Raki took a step back as Tabitha stomped toward him, sword drawn.

"DIE!" Tabitha roared as she threw herself at the man, and not in the good way the author usually makes Claymores do when Raki's involved. No, this was more the 'rabid Clare VS Priscilla' charge. The vengeful warrior brought her sword down, carving a deep gash in the wall. Then she stabbed the wall again and again. Completely unaware that her target was a good ten feet away from her.

Everyone blinked in confusion as they tried to understand what was going on, though Miria and Roxanne were struck with a sense of familiarity.

"I did that." a certain Claymore with anti-warrior training explained as she walked from behind Raki.

The young man breathed in relief and looked at her gratefully. "Thank you."

Raftela's only answer was a simple "You're welcome." Raki failed to notice how she looked away shyly, or the faint reddening of her cheeks.

The other warriors didn't and groaned mentally as yet another Claymore fell to the Raki effect.

"Hey!" Roxanne protested. "This chapter is named after me remember!"

"And by the way, you'd better solve this ridiculous situation soon." Clare demanded.

"Especially since we're now outnumbered." Yuma finished with an anxious look at the opposing side.

***Alright, let me think***

There was a short silence until, with a rumble of thunder (funny, that sounded like cheering fanboys) and a flash of lightning (oops, that's a flickering light bulb), a familiar yet still dazzling figure was revealed. Her goddess-like body clad in her old warrior's uniform, sword on her back, her long blond hair fluttering in the breeze and her kind yet confident smile on her face, Teresa of the Faint Smile was looking at them.

WHOOSH!

The aforementioned gentle breeze suddenly turned into a small tempest that blew everyone's hair and, if applicable, skirts.

Oops, sorry, wrong button.

They all fixed their hair and clothes and Raki discreetly wiped the slight nosebleed he had gotten. Who would have thought Cynthia and Galatea wore naughty underwear?

"Teresa?" Clare said in disbelief though she didn't dare hug her long-lost mother figure. Any sudden movement might cause an attack reflex from the other side.

"What are you doing here?" Deneve wondered.

"And what's with the halo?" Helen asked, pointing at the glowing circle above her head.

Teresa looked up and shrugged. "It's necessary to distinguish the warriors brought back by Yagi and those brought back by the author. As for why I'm here, well, since you are all acting like children, I was sent to solve your little problem."

"And what's in for you?" Miria insisted with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, Miria, are you implying I was bribed? How dare you?" Teresa pouted, radiating so much innocence that Roxanne felt jealous.

()()()()

_Flashback, Claymore Afterlife. Minutes ago._

"_**I COMMAND YOU TO GET DOWN THERE!"**__ a booming voice was heard._

"_No." was the simple answer._

"_Oh come on! I'll give you anything you want." the author whined._

"_You have nothing I want."_

"_Money?"_

"_I don't need it."_

"_Adoring fans?"_

"_Remember who I am?"_

"_Men? Women?"_

_*glare*_

"_A lemon between you and Raki?"_

_*brief hesitation* "No."_

"… _Changing the label on your shirt?"_

"_DEAL!"_

()()()()

"… after all, it's my duty as peaceholder." Teresa finished as she looked around at the gathered participants. No one noticed how eyes lingered a split second longer on Raki. 'Maybe I should have taken that offer.'

"Oh, I remember now! You're that number one who had the lamest death." Roxanne quipped in an overly friendly tone.

Teresa's smile never faltered as she very slowly turned her head to the cause of this mess, her eyes meeting Roxanne's overly friendly gaze.

Nor did it when she cracked her knuckles.

()()()()

In an effort to protect our pure innocent souls from the sheer violence of the incoming and much deserved thrashing, let us skip to a sweet, tender moment between two kindred spirits.

()()()()

"Rachel? Did you already reattach your limbs after chapter 118?" Rubel asked dreadfully as he backed away from his… Lover? Mistress? Torturer? Well, his something.

Who was wearing a dominatrix outfit.

Rachel only smiled sweetly. "Details, Ruby-poo. Now," the smile then vanished, replaced with a beastly snarl, "I'M TRYING TO BE MORE DEMURE AND FEMININE AND YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT MUSCLE-BOUND FREAK? WELL NO MORE NICE RACHEL MISTER!" she bellowed, still upset at Undine's interference in the previous chapter.

"She ambushed me… Please… Have mercy…" the spy begged.

"I'm all out of mercy… BUT I HAVE THIS! NOW BEND OVER AND TAKE IT!"

"NO! NOT THE STRAP ON! PLEASE… DON'T…YYYEEAAARGHHHHHH!" his broken plea ended in a high-pitched scream of pure agony.

"OH YES! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HUH? WHO'S YOUR DADDY, BITCH!"

()()()()

After the dust had settled, Teresa was seen wiping her hands, her infamous smile definitely on the smug side and absolutely unscathed. Behind her, the battered and dismembered form of the older Claymore had been face-planted into the ground. Roxanne had lasted a grand total of 0.8 seconds against the aptly-hailed strongest warrior ever, who had reaffirmed her status as ultimate badass of the series.

Damn, that was too fast. She should have suffered more.

The author's grumbling was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of Cassandra.

"You know," she commented snidely as she crouched down and poked her with a stick, "'Dust Eater' fits you pretty well too now."

"You have dirt on your face." Roxanne said before resuming her struggling to free herself, which was difficult without arms or legs. Even though she could not see the elfin-eared Claymore, she knew how she'd react.

"ACK!" Cassandra shrieked as she predictably and frantically rubbed her face to clean it. As she did, the Macarena started playing in the background.

"That was a nice warm-up. Now," Teresa said sweetly, "shall we go back to your little problem?"

By now everyone had huddled together and was hugging each other in sheer fright. None of them noticed they were all holding to Raki somehow.

"Problem?" Miria asked.

"What problem?" Yuma repeated.

"Teresa, I assure you, there is no problem." Clare smiled a bit shakily.

"See?" Helen grinned as she threw her arms over Raki and Raftela's shoulders. "We're all pals."

"Comrades." Galatea confirmed.

"Best friends forever." Deneve nodded.

They all ignored Tabitha who was still carving a tunnel in the walls, constantly shouting "DIE!" and showing no sign of stopping.

"Right. We can share skills, techniques, and, well, everything." Cynthia concluded.

Raftela blinked. "Everything?"

"YES!" Everyone shouted.

"In this case, I'll be borrowing him." the anti-warrior informed before picking up Raki and quickly making away.

Stunned silence, then…

"WHAT?"

"HELL NO!"

"HE'S MINE!"

"IN YOUR DREAMS FOURTY-SEVEN!"

"COME BACK HERE!"

Teresa suddenly found herself alone with Roxanne and Cassandra. "Author-san?"

***Yes?***

"Is that offer still good?"

***One time deal sorry***

"Damn!" Teresa pouted. "By the way, aren't we missing someone?" she wondered. "I mean, there were three resurrected warriors, yet there were only two in this chapter. Where's the last one?"

***Well, you see, despite being the hottest of the trio, Hysteria turned out to be a self-absorbed bitch with no real personality. It's like her sole purpose was to keep Miria busy. I mean, honestly, keeping on attacking Miria when there was an Abyssal-level Awakened next to her…So I couldn't fit her here.***

Inside an Priscilla-proof broom closet:

"I HATE BEING IGNORED!" the missing warrior shouted in hysterics. "LET ME OUT!"


	10. Leadership issues

**Disclaimer : **I don't own Claymore, just having fun with it.

()()()()

"Well," Miria scowled at her assembled friends, "what do you have to say for yourselves?"

No one answered, which made Miria's scowl deepen. "Six chapters." she said slowly. "This rebellion has been going on for six _freaking_ chapters and you have just arrived. We've been through Abyss Feeders and resurrected Number Ones, who have now _Awakened_ by the way… I am the only warrior left at anywhere near fighting condition…"

"Calm down Captain. Your arms will fall off if you lose focus."

Miria ignored Tabitha's concern. "Because you know, all the others have been kind of dismembered, aside from the combat-capable twins and Raftela, who is near death anyway. I could have used the reinforcements much earlier. So WHY did it take so long?"

The rest of the Ghosts, minus Clare who was still absent, shuffled on their feet, heads lowered.

"Well at least we got another 'big damn heroes' moment out of it." Helen muttered.

"We did look pretty awesome." Cynthia nodded.

"Hello, Abyssal-level Awakened, three of them." Miria scowled. "So I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you."

"Come on, you got yourself yet another epic moment too." Helen grinned. "I mean, you went toe to toe with a Number One and actually won."

Miria snorted. "By getting myself hacked to pieces, and resorting to a dirty trick. Not to mention the jokes it has led to."

"Hey, a win is a win, even one pulled by the skin of your teeth." Helen laughed, and the others stifled a snicker.

Miria muttered a few choice words.

"Now Miria," Deneve chided, "no need to have such a foul mouth."

"Yeah, no need to bite our heads off." Helen added. "This battle _was_ amazing."

"Indeed, we knew Miria is strong, but she showed some unexpected skills here…" Deneve trailed off.

"Well, Captain did train pretty hard during those seven years." a blushing Tabitha defended.

"Though I wonder what kind of training it was. 'How to fit something huge in your mouth 101' isn't exactly common for a warrior." Helen said.

Deneve raised an eyebrow. "You are talking about Miria's sword, right?"

"Of course," Helen confirmed as she took her own sword and examined it. "I mean, look at the size of that thing! What else could I be… Oops."

"Oops indeed." Miria hissed frostily.

"But this makes me wonder…" Helen grinned evilly.

The glare Miria threw her promised death. Why her damn it? It wasn't the first time a manga character grabbed their sword like this! Okay, usually it's by the blade, but still! Why was she the only one on the receiving end of the innuendo? The fandom had been joking about how she managed to defeat Hysteria, and just like her fake death, she had a feeling she would never live it down.

"Do you want me you show you?" Miria asked dangerously, taking her own sword. "Though I must warn you, the practice is quite _hazardous_. You might even lose your head by _accident._"

"Huh, you know, maybe that's not a good idea after all… maybe we should drop it altogether." Helen stammered, getting several nods of agreement.

"I'm glad we agree." the feared leader smiled sweetly. "Now, back to the original topic… WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" she roared.

"Well, you see, we were coming to help but we got sidetracked." Cynthia said meekly. "First we ran into Anastasia's squad. They had been ambushed by a bunch of Awakened Beings and we had to help them."

"Cynthia, these Awakened happened to be in our way so we killed them. This was just a fortunate coincidence." Deneve reminded.

Everyone, even the author, rolled their eyes.

Cynthia coughed. "Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, after that we had to heal the wounded and wait till that low-ranked warrior…"

"Keira." Yuma supplied.

"Right, till Keira stopped crying."

"And people thought Raki was a crybaby." Helen grumbled. "Bad enough from a human, but to see this from a _warrior._"

"Back on topic please." Miria hissed.

"Right. Then Deneve wondered where those ABs came from, and Tabitha managed to pinpoint their origin. One of the Organization's labs apparently." Cynthia finished.

"We kicked their asses!" Helen cheered before deflating. "And all we got for that was a few panels."

"One minute we decide to go there, next we're trashing the place. And Yagi didn't even bother explaining anything about it either. What the Org were doing there, how they did it, how it was manned, how big it was…" Yuma pointed out.

Miria grumbled. "Yeah, a completely transparent plot device for the sole purpose of delaying you. Then you destroyed that lab and rushed to me." Looking around, she caught a few guilty looks and narrowed her eyes.

"Well, you see…" the pig-tailed warrior and seemingly designated spokeswoman started again. "First we had to heal the wounded, again. Then wait till Keira stopped crying, _again_."

"I threw my sword a bit too hard." Yuma confessed sheepishly. "So I had to get it back."

"Three miles away. A new record." Helen cheered.

"Then Helen found a booze stash and dragged Nike into a drinking contest." Yuma said.

"Traitor!"

"Indeed these two are like long-lost sisters." Tabitha mused. "But then they got hung over…"

"And threw up." Yuma sighed. "… on Anastasia's hair."

"Don't remind me." Deneve groaned. "First we had to calm her down, then we had to wait for her to fix her hair. _That_ took a while."

"Hey, we apologized." Helen defended.

Miria's eyebrow twitched dangerously. "Is this all?"

"Just a short bathroom break and we were on our way, Captain." Tabitha finished soothingly.

"I just hope Keira won't break down again." Cynthia sighed.

"And whose brilliant idea was it to go there?" Miria growled, hand just itching for her sword. 'Must… resist… urge…'

Immediately several hands were pointed toward Tabitha who sputtered indignantly.

"Well, you did decide our course." Helen stated. "After rescuing Anastasia's group, we had the option to go help Miria immediately or go to that facility first."

"And _someone_ pushed the decision on me!" Tabitha glared at Deneve. "Besides I did what Captain would have done and you know it!"

"Don't blame me, you still made the choice." Deneve coldly replied.

"Who exactly has been leading in my absence?" Miria asked tersely, only to see her friends shuffling on their feet.

"You see, the problem is that aside from you, Miria, no one ever stood out as a leader. Deneve kind of took over, but it was never official." Yuma explained.

Cynthia nodded. "If we went by our old structure, the highest-ranking warrior takes the lead, but several things threw this off. For example, among us, higher rank means the strongest, in theory me. However, you and Clare clearly stand above us in terms of power."

"But Clare is not here, besides she's too volatile to lead." Yuma objected.

"Precisely. Leadership stems from two things : ability and willingness. Power should only be a means to enforce decisions if necessary, but a natural leader shouldn't need it. Their decisions make enough sense that no one contests them." Cynthia continued.

"But since we tend to butt heads all the time, it does become necessary to keep the others in line. Remember Pieta." Helen pointed out.

"Right, however this means we often mistake power for ability, which is an error. Galatea and Rafaela may have been stronger than Miria pre-timeskip, but I doubt they'd have led us better in Pieta. As for Ophelia, well..." Yuma shuddered at the thought.

"Right, anyway even though I'm the highest ranking, both Deneve and Helen are stronger than me." Cynthia resumed her explanation. "Besides, I haven't shown any willingness to take charge while Deneve did. And she is level-headed and has shown ability to think on her feet."

Deneve blinked. "What? When?"

"Well, you analyzed the errors Shorty's squad made against that AB pretty well when we ran into them." Helen shrugged. "And come on, using those cat-things to delay Priscilla was a nice try."

"Too bad she has an annoying habit of psychoanalyzing people. It sounds like she's pulling things out of her ass at times." Cynthia sighed.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, Miria can explain things and make it believable. You on the other hand sound like a two-bit shrink." the pigtailed warrior shrugged apologetically.

Helen snickered. "Heh. Dr. Deneve."

"I do **not** psychoanalyze." Deneve huffed.

"Undine's strange way of caring… Clare and Jean's 'wedge'… Tabitha's worship of Miria…" Yuma counted.

"Fine, I get it." Deneve's head slumped.

"But if Deneve had leadership, why did she pass it to Tabitha?" Miria asked.

"Yeah, I'm still wondering that too." Helen mused thoughtfully.

Deneve crossed her arms over her chest. "Do I really have to explain myself?"

"Well, it did come out from nowhere and hurts your characterization. The readers are probably wondering what the hell you were thinking."

"Hey, how could I know even more shit was going to hit the fan at the Org?" Deneve defended. "Besides, Tabitha needed some character development beyond being Miria's cheerleader," she ignored the shout of protest from Tabitha, "and forcing her to make a difficult decision seemed like a good way. It didn't matter if she made the right one, just that she _made_ one."

"Sure, if you put it that way…" Yuma admitted.

"And I wouldn't have been blamed if we'd been too late." Deneve finished.

"Hey!" Miria and Tabitha shouted again.

"If you're not happy with it, just assign a second in command once and for all." the short-haired warrior scowled.

"We don't have that many candidates." Helen pondered. "Let's see the pros and cons. Deneve : current strongest, keeps her cool under pressure, rivals Miria in bust size," she paused and did a double take, "_at least_…"

"What the hell does _this_ have to do with _that_?" Deneve shouted, crossing her arms under her breasts and unintentionally pushing them out. Yuma, Cynthia and Tabitha took a comparative glance and sighed dejectedly.

"Fanservice, especially with your penchant for clothing damage." Helen explained without missing a beat. "Cons : Mrs. know-it-all. Tabitha : cute, good sensor, loyal to Miria's ethic. Cons : little to no personality, unhealthy obsession with Miria, kinda weak."

Before Tabitha could protest, Helen went on. "Yuma…"

"Me?"

Helen grinned at the shy warrior and ruffled her hair. "Don't sell yourself short; see how you finished off that AB that was running away or you saved Galatea. I tell you people, if you think she's badass now, you haven't seen anything yet!"

Yuma squeaked.

"And look at you, so cute and huggable, but underneath… SCA-RY! And seeing how you took over as healer for Cynthia, soon you'll steal Miria's role right under her nose! Well, if you ever get over that low self-confidence that is."

By now Yuma was trying to fade into the background.

"Now, Cynthia…"

"I have made it clear earlier that I am not suited for this task Helen-san."

"Oh yeah, besides you've got survivor's guilt. Bad idea for a leader." Helen agreed.

"I notice you didn't include yourself." Deneve noted.

"Nah, not interested. This whole decision-making thingy isn't for me anyway. I'm good at kicking butt and that's enough for me." Helen said sagely. She then turned to Miria. "So? How do we settle this?"

"No trial by combat." Deneve warned. "We need someone capable and knowing the author, we'd end up mud-wrestling naked in minutes."

Everyone nodded.

***Come on, do you have that little faith in me?***

"YES!" they all chorused.

***Damn! Busted!***

"I know!" Helen shouted. "Let's call in for a vote. Every character gives their opinion and things remain fair."

***As you wish.***

There was a poof of smoke and an envelope appeared in Helen's hand. "Wow, that was fast." She grinned as she tore it open. "Now let's see… What the… Hey! They were not on the list!" she shouted.

"What is it Helen?" Yuma asked.

The brash warrior sighed. "Apparently the author forgot to precise only we Ghosts were candidate so every character was included. We had two who managed to get an overwhelming amount of votes. Color-head is runner-up."

"Clarice?" Deneve asked.

"Yep. It seems she was fairly impressive when she took charge in Rabona. About thirty of those guards voted for her."

"I'm almost afraid to ask." Miria sighed. "Who won?"

"Raki." Helen slumped dejectedly. "Over forty votes. How the hell did he find forty characters and got them to vote for him?"

Before anyone could ponder, they became aware of a rumbling sound that steadily got closer. Looking in its direction, they saw a quickly approaching dust cloud. At that moment, Helen was bumped into by the happy winner as he hurriedly ran past the group.

"Hey! Watch it!" she shouted.

"Sorry Helen! Can't let them catch me!" Raki shouted back without stopping.

"Funny, I would have thought it was Rubel running from Rachel again. I wonder what Raki is running from though." Cynthia wondered.

The dust cloud became clearer, revealing itself to be a mob of Claymore trainees.

Over forty shrieking Claymore trainees. Led by a certain pair of twins. With hearts in their eyes.

"RAKI-SAMA!"

"MARRY US!"

"What do you think I am? A pedophile?" Raki shouted.

"WE'LL WAIT!"

Helen couldn't move out of the way fast enough and was stampeded.

Miria stared at the retreating horde, completely dumbfounded. "Maybe we should help him before they lock him away till they're old enough."

"Heh heh… Kid… that's a _really_ big sword… can't even hold it in my hand… Miria, I dare you…" Helen giggled groggily.

Miria blinked, blushed and forcefully reacquainted Helen with the ground before stomping away.


	11. What do you mean we're dead again?

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Claymore

()()()()

"Well," Teresa announced as she stared at the two newest arrivals, "that was pathetic."

Privately, Teresa was glad that the Author had kept his word and changed the mention on her shirt. 'Teresa of the faint smile, strongest #1 ever – Yes she's dead, get over it!' at least spared her being laughed at.

That is, once she had removed the paper stuck on her back, which had said 'And it _was_ a dumb death!'

Teresa sighed. What had she done to have her death considered _**the**_ biggest tragedy in this manga, to the point some people were _still_ bitching about it? Admiration and respect were fine, but blind worship was ridiculous!

Anyway, here she was, greeting the recently killed (again?) Hysteria and Roxanne, who were none too happy with the labels stuck on them. Roxanne's was a simple and to the point 'wasted potential, reduced to body waste' while Hysteria had been deemed 'dead by Abyssal gangbang'.

In Roxanne's words : "You must be shitting me!"

()()()()

"That's what I get for eating shit like someone full of shit who tasted like shit!" Cassandra shouted sitting on the john and holding her aching stomach as another bout of explosive diarrhea hit her.

"Meow." a cabbit mewled outside the cabin, cracking the door open and helpfully passing her yet another roll of toilet paper.

()()()()

"What the hell is this?" Hysteria shouted. "This makes me sound like a whore!"

"Well, you were a bit of an attention wh… err, seeker." Teresa countered politely. "And some details were pretty suggestive. I mean, you were _penetrated_ by Roxanne's _rods _from behind, then Cassandra _bit_ you. Heck you even lost your jaw in the process. Not to mention how _stimulated_ you felt when Nike sloowwwly pulled that sword out of you."

"Indeed, you looked like you were enjoying it." Roxanne said with her fake friendly smile.

"Do you want to try it?" Hysteria hissed dangerously. "And how do you even know that when you weren't even looking at the time?"

"Aww, is someone feeling ignored?" Roxanne pouted cutely.

"Miria being tortured by the first Awakened introduced had some rape undertones, but it definitely wasn't pleasant. You on the other hand… that scene was quite suggestive." Teresa continued. "And when you died the first time, all the warriors had to gang up on you. So in essence it was a gangbang."

Hysteria growled at Teresa.

"Hey, I should know, I was there after all."

Hysteria blinked in recognition. "IT WAS YOU!" She roared as she lunged at the serenely smiling warrior.

SLAM!

Then Hysteria was roughly acquainted with the floor as she received the infamous 'get your face shoved into the ground' from Teresa. Had Clare been there, she would have sympathized considering how often she had suffered that move.

"Play nice." Teresa warned with her usual smile. "And you, I already kicked your ass two chapters ago, don't make me do it again." she told Roxanne, reminding her of the lightning-fast battle during the infamous 'Roxanne effect' outtake.

"Oh, I don't know, since I Awakened, I'm sure the outcome would be different this time." Roxanne shot Teresa a wicked grin, her Yoki surging around her. "Shall we try?"

In an effort to protect our pure innocent souls from…

"All done!" Teresa called cheerfully.

**What? Hey, not fair!**

"And you were right, it took me 0.1 second longer." the unscathed Teresa said mockingly.

**I couldn't even squeeze in some Rubel torture! Oh well, there's always next time.**

"Wow. They suck." a new voice, Rosemary's, commented. She was followed by Isley and Riful, though the pair were somewhat hampered by the Abyss Feeders still clinging to them.

"And to think they were hailed as the new Abyssals." Isley sighed. Riful actually nodded in agreement.

"Rosemary, you weren't an Abyssal." Teresa countered.

"Technically, I can be considered one. I was the former #1 before you and I did Awaken, I just died too quickly." she said with a bit of venom, albeit knowing better than to antagonize Teresa. "And at least I managed to scratch you. These two didn't."

"True." Teresa conceded the point. "Though I still..."

"I know!" Rosemary seethed, as if her 'example of Teresa's awesomeness' shirt would let her forget the humiliation.

"Anyway, they are an embarrassment to the Abyssal title." Riful dismissed calmly, like when she deemed an Awakened too weak to join her and got rid of it.

"Why you…" Hysteria glared.

"What? The Author had considered calling you 'critical design failure' if your death didn't stand out. I mean, first you looked like a cross between a chicken and a spider. Or does 'I can't swallow my food because of the sword in my throat, which I can't remove because I have _no arms__!_' not ring a bell?"

This got a round of more-or-less hidden snickers from everyone.

"Admittedly it got better when your form changed. But why didn't you do it earlier? Oh yeah, you had to show off. For all the good that did you. Face it, you screwed up."

Roxanne would have laughed but Isley turned to her, taking over for Riful. "In a way, you are worse. You were the most noteworthy of the three, you were up there with Ophelia for being completely insane and lacking any regard for your comrades' lives. You got the most developed backstory and could use the fighting styles of several other warriors, and may have grown to be more evil than Priscilla in time."

"My, thank you." Roxanne smiled.

"I notice you're not denying." Hysteria mumbled.

"And what did we get for your Awakened form? Some cheap armored rip off of Riful who couldn't even use her abilities right. Cassandra and Hysteria had forms that fitted their styles as warriors…"

"Though the giant naked torso with multiple heads dragging on the ground is a bit weird; fitting, but weird." Riful mused.

Rosemary nodded. "Yeah, I wonder… those giant heads were biting off chunks of flesh, but the smaller one was chewing it. Talk about bizarre biology. Imagine if she throws up. Does it go out from…"

"Could we avoid the mental image of Cassandra barfing in Awakened form? Thank you." Despite the tone, this was clearly not a request from Teresa.

"Right." Isley returned to figuratively tearing Roxanne's full form down. "What did Roxanne have? Eight arms that could fire blades, but she couldn't regenerate her projectiles quickly. That's it, no sword, no weapon, nothing that made use of those skills she had supposedly gained as a warrior. For the most interesting character introduced in a long time, that was…"

"Anticlimactic?" Rosemary offered.

"Lame?" Riful suggested.

Isley shrugged. "Whichever you want. But the final nail in your coffin was that speech Cassandra gave you. How despite your vaunted strength and cunning, you lacked the resolve that being #1 requires."

"And coming from the one who was thought as the weakest of the three based on her performance when she was introduced… That hurts."

"Indeed, to be struggling against three single digits without her special technique…" Teresa sighed, remembering wiping the floor with Irene, Sophia, Noel and Priscilla, without even using her Yoki when they used theirs.

Yep, she nodded to herself, she was _that_ awesome.

Roxanne was now fuming. "I hope that bitch gets the runs."

()()()()

"OH SHIT! Somebody get me an Abyssal-sized dose of Pepto! Or Imodium! Anything!" Cassandra begged as the intensity of the cramps tripled. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

The only comfort she found was that at least Roxanne was getting the grave she deserved.

()()()()

**Yes, this chapter has a bit of toilet humor! Can you blame me?**

()()()()

Somehow Roxanne felt a sudden desire to kill Cassandra. Oh well, nothing unusual.

"Well? Anything else you'd like to say?" Teresa asked the group.

"Just that I'd like you to know I can sympathize with you." Isley told Roxanne. "I too have unpleasant memories of being eaten alive." he sighed in remembrance, before angrily kicking away an Abyss Feeder that had been licking up his leg.

"Though you did put up more of a fight. Anyway, that was a short chapter." Riful pouted.

"Well, when Miria visited, we got to see the other dead characters so we could discuss their demises too." Teresa explained. "Where are they by the way?"

"They are chasing those handlers who got here for not surviving their wounds. Looks like they wanted a crack at them too." Rosemary shrugged. "We'll have to thank that student of yours for sending them by the way, Isley, it was getting boring here."

()()()()

Further away, a group of bandana-wearing men were running for their lives… errr… afterlives; well, you get the idea.

"COME ON GUYS!"

"LET US THANK YOU FOR TAKING SUCH GOOD CARE OF US BACK THEN!"

"PLEASE!"

Of course that would be more believable if the pursuers would just put away their swords, or, for those who had them, claws, fangs, blades, tentacles and so on.

Needless to say, the poor guys kept running. Hey, they had been slaughtered by a single human guy who hadn't even broken a sweat; they were not dumb enough to stick around a bunch of hybrids with a grudge.

()()()()

"And how exactly will you thank him?" Isley asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sure we'll find _something_." Rosemary let out a very uncharacteristic giggle before her serious demeanor returned. "Anyway, while we're at it, I was wondering…" Rosemary continued.

"Yes?"

"Why do Hysteria, Roxanne and I still have silver eyes and blond hair? Supposedly Awakening restores our original physical appearance, right?"

Everyone blinked. "That was pretty random." Teresa said.

"I figured, if we have some time, maybe the Author could explain."

**Easy. I have no idea what your hair and eye colors were. So it's easier to keep you like this.**

"What about me? I really liked my black hair." Teresa sighed.

***snort* As if it makes you any less gorgeous. Besides some people are already out for my blood for not being one of your loyal worshippers, I'm not ruining the myth by changing your looks.**

"I'm not sure…"

**Oh, don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a nice guy with a thing for silver-eyed blondes somewhere to help you deal with it *cackle*…**

()()()()

"ACHOO!" Raki sneezed loudly, which got many, many pairs of silver eyes to turn to him.

()()()()

… **Though maybe with the occasional brunette in the mix.**

()()()()

"ACHOO!"

"Are you all right Mama?"

()()()()

And outside Rabona, a pile of fossilized poop – oops, sorry, solidified Yoki let out a sound like a muffled double sneeze from the inside.


	12. Desensitization practice

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Claymore.

()()()()

"Could anyone please explain what is going on here?" Miria asked confusedly as she stared at her assembled friends.

Deneve was leaning back against the wall, arms crossed over her chest. Helen was next to her, hands joined behind her head. Tabitha merely 'eeped' and turned away in embarrassment. Yuma and Cynthia were both blushing and trying to cover themselves.

And none of them was wearing a shirt, which left them quite exposed due to Claymores usually not wearing any form of undergarments, upper or lower. It would have been obvious if they had missing their pants/skirts too.

Fanservice, yeah!

Deneve rolled her eyes. "Apparently the author decided Raki needed some desensitization practice." she said as she pointed at the male in question. Raki was sitting in a corner, his back to them and holding his hands in front of his eyes. Even from here, Miria could see his ears were red.

And to keep things fair, he was shirtless too, much to Helen's unabashed viewing pleasure. Not to mention the sneak peeks Cynthia and Yuma were giving him. Deneve was somewhere in the middle, overtly looking but expertly hiding her enjoyment.

"So come on sis! Take it off and join us!" Helen cheered. Unseen by anyone, Tabitha sneaked a glance at Miria and discreetly wiped a drop of blood from her nose.

"I'll pass, thank you." Miria replied with a raised eyebrow while her hand subtly moved closer to her sword.

Helen pouted but didn't insist. No one saw the disappointed look in Tabitha's eyes.

"But what exactly brought this on? The author has already given Raki plenty of practice in past chapters or stories." Miria asked.

"No one here ever complained." Helen laughed, drawing a round of blushes.

"You can thank Deneve for that." Cynthia glared at the short-haired warrior.

"Hey, don't pin the blame on me."

Surprisingly even the mild-mannered Yuma seemed annoyed. "For years the author has speculated how Raki would react if he ever saw our bodies. Sure he assumed he would be shocked, but wouldn't reject us because of that."

"I swear, I am not rejecting you!" Raki butted in sheepishly.

"Aww, then why are you looking away?" Helen purred as she pressed herself against the man's back, causing him to jump away. "It does look like the view is disturbing you." she added with a fake sob at the end.

"What? No!" Raki spun around only to turn away again.

"Then why won't you look?"

"Because you're all half-naked!"

"Then you do mind our bodies."

"ARGH!" He slapped his hands over his ears, clenched his eyes shut and chanted, "La la la la! Not listening!"

"Helen, stop teasing Raki." Miria snapped. "Continue, Yuma."

"Right. The difference is that now, Raki actually knows. So with those speculations answered, the author decided he needed to get used to it."

"So I don't see why you're blaming me." Deneve snorted.

"And whose idea was it to flash Raki and be so dramatic about it? Who went up to him and ripped off her own shirt, with no warning whatsoever, and in front of a bunch of children to boot?" Cynthia asked sarcastically.

Deneve shrugged. "Helen voiced her concerns if Clare comes back naked, I took the matter in my own hands."

"And you couldn't have handled it differently? I don't know, ask to talk to him in private, tell him the problem and then calmly take off your shirt to show him." the pig-tailed warrior challenged.

"I'll admit Deneve, even I was shocked. Sure you're no stranger to clothing damage, but ripping off your own shirt… I'm still amazed it was still wearable after that, heck I distinctly remember scraps of fabric flying around." Helen admitted to her friend. "And honestly, for what? Just so you could ask him to hug Clare when she comes out. There had to be an easier way."

"And now because of you we're all forced to stand here topless. Sorry Raki, we have nothing against you, but the situation is making us all very uncomfortable." Cynthia finished.

"It's okay, I understand." Raki flashed her a grin before blushing and turning away as he got an eyeful.

"I don't mind that much." Helen objected.

"Besides even if I had handled it differently, do you honestly think the author would have wasted the opportunity?" Deneve snorted.

**Touché.**

"It would have happened either way. At least he didn't make us do it completely naked."

Unseen by anyone, Raki wiped away a drop of blood from his nose.

"Damn it Deneve! Don't give him ideas!" Yuma shrieked, fully expecting to have their last remnants of modesty removed.

**Coin toss : heads, I go with it. Tails, I give them a break.**

**Tails. You got lucky.**

"Thank you God." They all breathed a sigh of relief.

**There's still next time. Raki may need that one too you know.**

"If I had know it would get like this… Clare'd better thank me for this." Deneve muttered as, despite what people may think, she was not an exhibitionist.

"Oh, and how exactly do you expect her to thank you?" Helen grinned evilly. "Ask her to let you borrow her hunk once in a while?"

Raki coughed loudly while Deneve blushed.

"This is so messed up." Miria groaned.

"Tch. Not more than some of the things you ever came up with." Deneve snorted.

"Like cutting me up, Captain..." Tabitha chided.

"And charging the Organization alone." Yuma finished.

"I'll never live that down, will I?" Miria whimpered.

"Or your more recent 'carebear Miria' moment, hiding the truth Rimuto revealed from us." Helen stated, watching Miria shrinking a bit.

"Let's not forget your reasoning of Cassandra being the strongest of the three new Abyssals. The killing blow to Hysteria was pure accident, and Roxanne's defeat came from her attitude more than her lack of strength." Deneve said.

"Tch, you're not much better at times, Dr. Deneve." Miria shot back.

"Still, just because Cassandra ate Roxanne does not mean she got stronger from it. This is Claymore, not DBZ." Cynthia reminded.

"Yeah, fights are not that straight here." Helen nodded.

"Still, Cassandra did look the strongest of the three once she got serious. So…" Miria started.

**STOP! I don't want any Roxanne VS. Cassandra debate here, there is enough of that on the forums! Besides people have been arguing Teresa VS. Priscilla for YEARS and have yet to reach an agreement. **

"You know, speaking of Priscilla, things are going to hit the fan again pretty soon." Helen said with a glance at Raki.

"Huh?"

"Well, big sis, your clever plan is that the hunk's voice, over there, will reach Clare inside the blob. Then in theory Cassandra might turn on Priscilla and hopefully we might get an opportunity to finish her."

"I did say it was a long shot." Miria reminded.

"A long shot? Do you want to know how many things can go wrong? First the fact that Clare's boy toy has been with Priscilla with seven years so he might reach her instead of Clare! Would you take that risk if you knew this?" Helen shouted. "Honestly, he has yet to figure out that she's the Awakened we're pissing our pants about, or that her 'gift' is what was used to reanimate the former #1s."

"Hey, how am I supposed to know what Dae did with that arm? How am I supposed to put it together when you conveniently keep referencing Priscilla as the 'target of revenge', despite you hearing Clare say her name? I mean, yes I knew she was an Awakened, but I didn't know she was beyond an Abyssal." Raki shot back.

"Unless of course he has realized and is keeping quiet so we take him along." Deneve pondered with narrowed eyes.

"Oh come on, do you honestly think I'm that obsessed with Clare?"

"Possibly." A metaphorical arrow pierced Raki's heart.

"Potentially." Second arrow.

"Maybe." Third arrow.

"Perhaps." Fourth.

"Okay I get it!"

Cynthia shrugged. "Anyway, what he's been up to during those seven years may be discussed during the trip. If we go by boat, we won't have much to do."

"I can think of a couple of things…" Helen grinned lecherously.

"I know it's going to hit the fan when he tells us." Deneve sighed. "Seven years with two Awakened. That's no miracle, that's sheer insanity."

"By the way, does anyone here know how to operate a boat?" Miria asked.

"Nope."

"Just great. Wanna bet we'll get caught in a storm or drift to a deserted island?" Deneve grumbled.

"A deserted island… with Captain…" Tabitha blushed.

"And a hot guy." Helen smirked. "I must say I kinda like the idea."

"I don't think so." Yuma objected. "Yagi will probably ignore the problem and we will make it to Rabona without much difficulties."

"Then the problems will start again." Cynthia finished.

"Yup, Priscilla will be back, best case we'll be in the middle of a fight between her and Cassandra…" Helen counted.

"More like one-sided slaughter." Deneve corrected.

"Worst case, Cassandra won't snap out of it and we'll have to deal with both of them. By the way, let's not forget Dae and Rubel are still at large." Helen counted. "Maybe we should take Rachel with us."

"I wonder if my promise to the trainees counts as plot armor, because I think the old one will expire soon." Raki mused, holding his chin in his hand.

"What do you mean?" Miria asked.

"Well, turns out that my use as Priscilla's morality pet was a big sham, so I guess my sole purpose is now to reach Clare inside the blob. Then I won't any purpose in this manga and Yagi can get rid of me, maybe to get Clare mad enough to finish Priscilla." he explained. "Look at it : Flora's role was to show the Windcutter, which became Clare's main skill post-timeskip, then she was killed. Likewise, Jean paid her debt and died. Even Anastasia, who conveniently had an ability that helped against Hysteria, was strangely absent in this chapter."

"At least Anastasia is alive." Yuma said.

"Yes, looks like Yagi mellowed a bit." Cynthia replies.

"NNOOOOOOOOO!" Everyone but Raki turned at Helen's anguished scream. "I don't want the hunk to die! He hasn't hugged me yet!" She mock-cried as she proceeded to glomp the man from behind and, considering their state of dress, give him an _interesting_ feel of her chest.

*Purr* *Purr* *Rub* *Squeeze* *Grope*

"Helen! Your hands!" Raki squeaked.

"Spoilsport."

Miria glanced at the group. "Fine, let's see if we can get this boat to work, and for God's sake, _put on your shirts!_" she hissed the last part. As they moved, Helen stopped near Miria.

"By the way… Hey Raki, can I ask you something?"

"Huh, sure Helen, what is it?"

"I need a man's opinion on an age old question…"

**RRIIIIPPPPPPP**

"Helen!" Miria shrieked with a mix of anger and shame, clutching her now topless torso and trying to hide her sizeable assets from view as Helen had suddenly and unexpectedly ripped her shirt off. Tabitha passed out from a nosebleed at the sight, and Raki promptly turned away, idly thinking that this desensitization practice was working at least.

"Are Deneve's boobs indeed bigger than Miria's?" Helen finished slyly.


	13. Claymore break

**Disclaimer :** I don't own Claymore

**Author note :** in case you missed it, Yagi redrew the end of chapter 129 and the beginning of 130, with more detailed scenes and a better transition between the two chapters. Just so you're not surprised when reading this chapter. Anyway, I finally got enough material for one of those, so enjoy.

()()()()

"Now this is life!" Helen cheered, comfortably lounging in a deckchair, clad in a skimpy red bikini and her eyes hidden behind a pair of stylish sunglasses.

"Helen, what exactly are you doing?" Miria hissed.

"What does it look like I'm doing, Sis?" Helen looked at Miria over the black lenses. "I'm taking a break. Do you mind moving a bit? You're in my sun."

"In case you haven't noticed, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE!" the leader of the Ghosts shouted.

"Actually, we're not." the undisciplined warrior countered. "They are." She pointed at the large group of Awakened currently mobbing Cassandra and doing a rather good job. "So we might as well relax while we still can. You know we'll have to fight again pretty soon after all."

"You know Captain, Helen does have a point." Tabitha intervened. "Maybe you could, you know, come and join us." she suggested with a blush. "I even…have a suit for you." the braided warrior blushed harder as she held the item in question.

"Tabitha…" Miria sighed tiredly.

"Yes Captain?" Tabitha's nose was now bleeding a little.

"THIS ISN'T A SUIT! THIS IS THREE SCRAPS OF CLOTH HELD TOGETHER BY DENTAL FLOSS! Wait… us?"

Helen simply pointed to where the rest of the Ghosts, minus Clare, were working on their tan.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Cynthia shrugged sheepishly. "Well, it's nice not being the ones fighting for once. So we made ourselves comfortable."

In the background, Cassandra lost yet another head.

"WOO!" Helen hollered. "Look at'em go!"

"Eww, doesn't that Awakened look like a giant vagina with teeth?" Yuma grimaced, looking at one of Cassandra's assailants.

"I think it's supposed to be a giant mouth." Cynthia corrected.

"But it's on its lower body… You must admit, it is disturbing."

Ignoring Yuma and Cynthia's criticism on Yagi's recent Awakened designs, Galatea resumed explaining the warriors' situation. "Also, this is our way of protesting." The blind warrior had shed her nun's robe for a sexy black bikini of her own. She was laying on her stomach, a beet red Raki, who was wearing only beach shorts, carefully working some sun lotion into her milky skin.

Lucky bastard.

And yes, the Author shamelessly used the excuse to get Galatea in a bikini. Any complaints?

Next to Galatea, Clarice was helping Miata build a large sandcastle. Apparently the Author had provided a giant sandbox in addition to the chairs, parasols and drinks.

"Protesting? For what?" Miria asked confusedly.

"For this!" Helen shouted, waving her hand over her exposed body.

"One of the biggest mysteries about us finally revealed. The readers were expecting something horrible. Some disgusting deformity that would justify people turning away at the mere sight of it. All that build up, all that anticipation, and in the end… this. Okay, a permanent stitched-up wound would be pretty disturbing in real life, but come on! Yagi didn't even try to make the end result look gross when we were done with Clare." Yuma developed.

"Especially not on that redrawn version of chapter 129." Tabitha added while Raki mentally agreed. He had been the one who hugged Clare in both versions after all, and the newer one was, well, _curvier_.

"Let's face it, those guys who fled when Teresa opened her shirt were wimps." Deneve deadpanned.

"Or lacking any imagination. Geez, ever heard of doggy style?" Helen grumbled. "Surely that's no reason for depriving us of a sex life. What did they fear? That she'd split herself in two? Get real, no one ever heard of a warrior popping a stitch no matter how much jumping, running and fighting we do. HELL NO! We're hot, we're sexy, we're not made of glass, and we deserve to get laid!" she shouted.

Interestingly none of the warriors voiced any disagreement.

"By the way, where is Clare?" Miria wondered out loud.

"We had to tie her up." Deneve explained, tilting her head to the bound and gagged heroine who was glaring daggers at them.

"Let me guess, she didn't approve of Raki applying lotion on you all." Miria guessed.

"Well, this is part of the reason." Yuma answered.

"But more importantly, we had to prevent her from being her usual self and doing something stupid and reckless." Cynthia continued.

"Like interfering in Priscilla's fight and screwing up for dumb reasons like 'revenge' and 'only I am allowed to kill her' in typical shonen style." Deneve finished. "And we had to gag her because her bitching was getting annoying."

"MMMPPHHHHHRRRR!" Clare's muffled protest came through her gag. 'Like picking a fight with Isley of all people was smarter!' she wanted to say.

"Calm down Forty Seven." Helen half-scolded, half-teased. "Or no Raki-time for you." Said man was now tending to Clarice who sighed contentedly.

"Yes," Deneve agreed, "there's no way we're fighting Priscilla if we can avoid it."

Further away, the Riful-lookalike kept on pounding what remained of Priscilla into the ground.

"Damn, never thought we'd see Priscilla getting her ass handed to her." Helen commented. "I can't believe Riful kind of survived. Did anyone see it coming?"

**We interrupt this fic for a special announcement by the Author : "I TOLD YOU SO SUCKERS!"**

"I can imagine him doing a silly dance right now." Yuma muttered before returning her attention to the seemingly one-sided fight. "Still, this is kind of embarrassing for Priscilla."

"The undefeatable monster. The being who surpasses the Abyssals. She obliterated half of Isley's body in an instant, ripped off Alicia's head without transforming, and one-shot a possessed Dauf like nothing. She's had her badass status reaffirmed multiple times. Heck, after merging with the Destroyed she's supposed to have become even _more_ badass. And look at her now, getting kicked around by a naked loli zombie that seemingly came from nowhere." Helen sighed.

"Well, she is also in the middle of a mind war for the control of the body. This could explain her poor performance." Tabitha reminded.

"Besides, having a character utterly thrash the current strongest is a common technique to establish or re-establish how powerful they are." Deneve stated in her Dr. Deneve voice. "Usually Priscilla is the one dishing it out. And Miria seems to be on the receiving end of this quite often."

"Hey!" Miria protested.

"Remember how Hysteria, and to a lesser extend Rigaldo, defeated you at your own game?" Deneve said, crossing her arms under her bikini-clad breasts. "Or even the first Awakened Being we faced?"

The spiky-haired warrior shrunk. "Oh yeah."

"There have been some assumptions that Clare may be stronger than Miria now, due to her cutting some of Cassandra's heads to pieces with the Quicksword when Miria couldn't." Helen shrugged. "But it doesn't prove anything since Miria specializes in speed, while Clare is a sensing type with a destructive special technique. I mean, if it was true, I would be the strongest warrior here. Who else can blow a huge hole in an AB in an instant?"

"We know you're badass, Helen." Deneve commented though she was smiling slightly at her friend.

"Damn true!" Helen cheered while pumping her fist.

"Anyway, this is just another common manga element. As the protagonists get stronger, so will the antagonists. This in turn forces us to get stronger, and so on." Deneve explained. "If you remember, we started with Yoma, then Awakened Beings were introduced, then the Abyssals."

"Yeah, but it was never so complicated before. Except for Clare's habit to receive power-ups, very few of us ever managed to defeat Awakened Beings one on one. The separation in powers has always been respected until recently." Cynthia pondered.

"In the manga version at least. Do you remember in the anime when it was revealed Priscilla wasn't fully Awakened and she bulked up? Talk about an ass pull." Helen complained. "Hopefully this won't happen here."

Helen snorted. "Damn, now I regret the good old times when the Abyssals were actually the top of the food chain."

"Don't you mean the times when 'Abyssal' actually meant something." Galatea asked. "The Abyssals are supposed to be a league of their own. Heck I witnessed Alicia tear through a dozen Awakened like they were nothing. Even if all the Awakened attacking her are all former single digits, Cassandra should have taken out at least a few of them already."

"It doesn't help that the battle between Roxanne and Cassandra caused no casualties. I'm not complaining about this, but somehow I doubt we'd have survived if we had been around when Isley and Luciella fought." Cynthia added.

"You know, this is funny too. Isley was supposedly the most powerful warrior back then by far, and is still considered one of strongest to this day. But it didn't seem to carry into his Awakened form." Raki pondered. "I mean, it's widely thought that if Teresa had Awakened, she'd surpass even Priscilla. By the same logic, even if they were both Abyssals, shouldn't Isley have been significantly more powerful than Luciella? Instead their battle seemed pretty close. It's almost like Yagi added that bit as an afterthought."

"You're overthinking it. Making sense of power levels in a manga is a headache." Helen advised sagely. "Just sit back and go with it."

"You're right. Besides I wouldn't count Priscilla and Cassandra out yet." Raki sighed as he looked at the battles. "Neither seem especially worried at the moment. And you know Priscilla, the more battered she gets, the more dramatic her retaliation will be."

"Well, she should hurry up, she's just a head and a torso now." Deneve commented dully. "And it looks like she'll soon be even less."

Clare let out a muffled hiss of outrage through her gag.

"This is strange, usually she'd have already regenerated by now. Do you think she can regenerate from just a head?" Cynthia mused.

"With our luck, she can. This is precisely my point." Helen said. "We'll be back in the fray soon. Might as well relax while we still can."

"Indeed, we should thank Miria for the opportunity. If she hadn't brought the ABs in, we'd be up our necks in it." Yuma acquiesced.

"Well, as expected from our Captain." Tabitha smiled. "She did move all the Organization's warriors to side with her after all."

"But to do this with our sworn enemies, she must have made a very good point. Talk about mad persuasion skills." Helen grinned at Miria who coughed nervously to hide her embarrassment. "What did you do Sis? Made'em an offer they couldn't refuse?" she asked in a very good 'gangster' voice.

"Well, you see…" Miria started only to be interrupted by another voice.

"Excuse me."

Miria turned around and came face to face with Wild Horse Octavia; the Awakened was in her human form, a friendly smile on her face.

"Yes?" Miria asked.

"Considering most of us probably won't survive the battle, I was wondering if I could take my share of the payment right now." the former Number Two asked politely.

"What payment?" Helen asked, voicing everyone's confusion while the fearless leader gulped nervously.

"My, the one Miria promised for our assistance of course. Surely you're not going back on it." Octavia's smile never faltered even though her Yoki flared briefly.

Miria was now sweating a bit. She hadn't thought of this! "No, of course not. A deal is a deal."

Octavia beamed a smile that would have been dazzling until you remembered what she was. "Thank you." Her right arm shot out, splitting in tendrils that wrapped themselves around Raki and deposited the young man securely on her shoulder. "I'll be going then."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Raki shouted while everyone looked shocked at this.

"Miria! Don't tell me you…" Helen looked at their leader, feeling sick that she'd sell the human to those monsters. Next to her, Clare doubled her efforts to free herself and lunge at Miria. After all, if Priscilla died, someone had to take her place on her hit list, right?

"Are you nuts? They'll eat him!" the usually stoic Deneve screamed.

"Captain…" Even Tabitha looked appalled at Miria's deal.

"Oh, don't worry," Octavia reassured them, "we promised we wouldn't harm him." This seemed to calm everyone down until she giggled. "If anything, he'll be eating _me_ rather than the other way around." she finished.

Everyone's eyes turned to the now very sheepish Miria.

"Miria… you… YOU PIMPED ME OUT TO A BUNCH OF AWAKENED BEINGS?!" Raki shouted in disbelief.

"Well, guts are easy to come up with." Octavia explained. "But quality time with a handsome, friendly young man on the other hand… Now that's something we rarely get." She purred as she walked away with her price. "Now come on, I'll show you exactly why I'm called Wild Horse Octavia, and I'm _not_ talking about my true form."

"MI-RI-A…" Helen growled warningly as she and her friends put their clothes on, glaring all the while. Well, except Deneve who just couldn't simply take off her shirt, and had instead dramatically ripped it off, again. To the side, Cynthia and Yuma untied Clare, whose right arm was bulging in preparation for the Quicksword.

"I thought they'd die in the fight." Miria tried to justify lamely.

"GET HER!" Clarice screamed.

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" Clare roared.

"YUMA THROW!"

Miria avoided Yuma's flying sword and started running, her friends hot on her heels.


End file.
